Sunday, May 22, 2011

I See... 200 Sessions of Blog Therapy

For some minor but challenging emotional manias, the cheapest and most effective therapy is blogging. And so it is with the Mormon Third Eye. After 200 consecutive Sundays of blog therapy, I am proud to say that I am much healthier in all aspects. In the spirit of teasing readers with the implied schizophrenic nature of the Mormon Third Eye, the Mormon Third Eye, via the Third Eye Network (TEN), recently interviewed itself:

TEN: Thanks for making time for us on this momentous occasion, your 200th consecutive blog post.

EYE: No problem. I always make time for the press, especially when its me.

TEN: Hmm... Anyway, How did you get started blogging?

EYE: My wife grew tired of the array of off-the-wall jokes, stories, and otherwise outlandish observations about life in Mormondom that would obtusely tumble out of my mouth at the most inopportune moments. Out of desperation, she suggested that if I had to embarrass myself, I could do it more efficiently on a blog. The deal was that if I put it in the blog, I couldn't share it in public; no more smarty-pants comments in Gospel Doctrine class. The rest is history.

TEN: What is your favorite post?

EYE: There are sooo many... On a purely objective level, it should be my compassionate plea to show kindness to the chronically challenged left-handed people of the world; it drew the most hits and comments. However, my personal favorite continues to be the stirring plea issued to readers for assistance in exposing the true identity of the Laundry Fairy. I still don't know who she is, but she does, and I just want to thank her again...

TEN: Pay attention! Focus! How has the Mormon Third Eye contributed to the greater good of society?

EYE: I am particularly proud of my intermittent series of advice, or "how to" posts that seek to educate readers on the finer points of living as a father, husband, or just plain member of the church. Whether it's teaching your kids about money, naming a rock band, ending arguments with your wife, staying awake in church, or even shaking the very powers of hell, I truly feel that somebody other than myself, at least one other person, has been blessed by these timely tips. I challenge anyone brave enough to peruse this blog on a regular basis to find any reference work containing instruction on how to keep teenagers infused with raging hormones the appropriate lengths apart from each other during a church dance, buy a new car for under $200, make the ward grow, know if you are truly funny, say long prayers, do successfully something you've never done before, tame the terrible teenager, efficiently sin, efficiently repent, get away with being an irresponsible LDS youth, stay awake in church, know if your wife really, truly loves you, be truly happy doing housework, know that she knows that you truly love her, resist temptation, and deal with bad dreams.

TEN: Has there ever been a time that you almost didn't post?

EYE: Yes. There was one weekend when the well of wit was completely empty. I started to panic; luckily I remembered that no one is perfect, and that it wouldn't be the end of the world if I skipped a week, so I decided to blog about it here. Unfortunately, it backfired; by blogging about it, I was able to maintain my perfect blog record of consistency.

TEN: Finally, what's next for the Mormon Third Eye?

EYE: I don't want to give away too much... but in the spirit of pushing the permissible envelope of propriety, I'm entertaining the idea of adding another eye. What do you think about "Mormon Fourth Eye?" Is that too far out there, even for the tiny circle of dedicated readers who have read to the very end of this post?

TEN: No comment. I know it is usually the person being interviewed, not the press, that gets to say "no comment," but I don't want to say that that could be one of the most alternative ideas the Mormon Third Eye has ever proposed, and I am interviewing myself...

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