As we actively march forward on a nationwide quest to eradicate all forms of discrimination and make everyone feel valued and safe, I've discovered another insidious form of favoritism- dental discrimination. I have bad teeth, it's not my fault, and I want redress.
This is somewhat embarrassing, but it's time expose this for what it truly is and seek justice. I have bad teeth. It's a genetic trait I inherited from my parents, and the constant onslaught of advertising in all media forms pressuring me to coat my teeth with corrosive waves of sugar and acid makes it worse. I've heard that brushing and flossing them regularly and cleanings at the dentist helps, but with the deck already stacked against me I gave up on those practices years ago.
I feel oppressed and distressed because of the condition of my teeth. Every time someone with perfect teeth flashes a toothy smile in public places, I feel uncomfortable. This situation is, at a minimum, unfortunate, because I have a constitutional right to feel happy and loved in any situation. The only solution, which must be implemented nationwide immediately to save all citizens with bad teeth from the terrible stigma associated with bad teeth, is a complete ban on smiles that reveal the existence of teeth in your mouth.
Only lip-only smiles should be permitted in lands under federal jurisdiction. Enforcement of this expansive mandate may require us to raise taxes to fund creation of a separate division of the Department of Justice to hire and train a massive army of smile monitors, but it's the only sure way that millions of toothless smile sufferers like myself can ever feel safe all the time. You must comply.