Sunday, April 12, 2009

I See... How to Buy A New Car for Only $200

I know that many of you appreciate the Mormon Third Eye for its humor, wit, and inspiration, but never let it be said that it doesn't have a practical side as well. In today's poor economic climate, what could be more applicable than instructions on how to buy a new car for only $200? Under the right circumstances, it is not a difficult task. Here's how:

The Right Circumstances

For this strategy to work, you must have 1) a really old car with a poor stereo and no available Ipod connection; 2) a one-hour one-way commute for work; 3) and a voracious thirst to use that two hours every day listening to the audio versions of the scriptures, Ensign talks, BYU devotionals, and General Conference talks loaded on an Ipod. It is also important that, before you attempt to purchase the new car for $200, you waste endless hours fruitlessly fumbling with the Ipod while you are driving the 695 Raceway that encircles Baltimore, trying to find the right talk on the Ipod menu and keep the annoying little earbuds from constantly falling out of your ears.

The Steps

Step 1: Access the website and purchase a new car stereo that has a USB Ipod connection and installation kit for your specific make and model. It should cost no more than $200.

Step 2: Open the box gently that was delivered by the FEDEX guy only minutes before. Make sure you don't step on the cat or knock over a lamp in your blind rush to the front porch and access the package. You should stare in wondrous amazement at this multi-function marvel, as if you were holding the miracle of newborn baby in your pulsating hands for the first time. Spend four hours singlehandedly successfully installing the stereo and feel the tribal hormones of manly tool use surge through your soul. Thrust your socket wrench triumphantly towards the sky and proclaim in a booming voice that seems to echo off the very clouds and momentarily freeze all of nature in time- “I AM MAN!!” ((pause for effect then continue)) “WATCH... ME... REPAIR!!”

Step 3. Fire up your old car with the new stereo, the new stereo that has gifted you at least two more hours daily of gospel study bringing you closer to God and farther away from an accident. Connect the Ipod and become familiar with the remote control functions. Almost immediately, the new stereo will “take over” the rest of the car and make everything new again. The tangible transformation is now complete.

Follow the steps above in the correct order under the specified conditions, and you will drive away with a brand new car! I know this works! I've done the research!


  1. Mormon Third Eye's wife, the "other" eye, makes an addendum that the PRE step to Step #1 is to convince your kind and patient wife to do LOTS of research prior to ordering the best stereo for the money. Thank you very much.

  2. Totally worth the 200 bucks! Enjoy your commute.