Sunday, October 10, 2010

I See... How to Know if Your Wife Really, Truly Loves You

Sisters, I recommend that right now, before you read any further, you go back to your housework, scripture study, or home business; the rest of this post is relatively boring and useless compared to what you usually fill your day with.

Brethren, have you ever wondered if your wife really, truly loves you? Loves you with that love that endures all hardship and trial, that love that takes you into the next life still appreciating each other's company and devotion? In our LDS universe, this is a rational wonder, prompted not by any specific action taken by your better half, but by a righteous desire to make sure that you are doing all you can to uphold your end of the marriage covenant. If we are going to have eternal marriages and forever families, we need to be constantly monitoring the depth and strength of our mutual commitment.

There is an easy, two-step process for giving our wives an opportunity to prove that they really, truly love us:

Step One: do something incredibly stupid without breaking a commandment. It should be an action that is so stupid that it makes your wife wonder if what you did should have been added as an eleventh commandment. Maybe something like, um, well, like... accidentally throwing out all of your wife's stake Relief Society records, including manuals, notes of previous presidency meetings, financial records, and other irreplaceable documents. Yes, all of them. The act has to be completely and utterly stupid.

Step Two: Monitor your wife's response to the really stupid act. She has basically two choices. She can, knowing from the depth of her soul that you feel as low as a single-cell organism for committing such a thoughtless blunder, lovingly try to lift you from the depths of your remorse with encouraging words of, “don't worry about it, its just stuff.” Or, she can yell and scream hysterically, berating and verbally abusing you for what seems like an eternity, until are transformed into a shapeless mass heap of quivering flesh, with every fiber of your being wishing that at that moment you did not exist.

Encouraging words are a sign of true love. On the other hand, you shapeless mass heaps of quivering flesh out there have a lot of work to do to repair a broken relationship.

Sisters, please understand that if your husband, as a result of reading this instruction, actually commits an unbelievably stupid act, he is really not that mindless and thoughtless and empty and insincere; he is just testing you (did you think, after my original opening statement, I would be so incredibly stupid as to believe that you would not keep on reading?)

BTW, I personally know that irreplaceable stake Relief Society presidency records are “just stuff.”

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