I See... How to Stay Awake in Church

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS GRAPHIC LEXICAL DESCRIPTIONS OF HOW TO STAY AWAKE AT CHURCH- YOU MAY WANT TO TAKE A SHORT NAP BEFORE READING IT TO AVOID FALLING ASLEEP AFTER READING IT

The Mormon Third Eye maintains a long and rich tradition of providing discriminating readers practical advice on how accomplish the great work of the gospel in our homes, families, congregations, communities, and countries.(how to defend freedom, say really long prayers, shake the very powers of hell, successfully do something you've never done before, efficiently sin and repent, teach teens about money, name a rock band, and end an argument with your wife among other things.) I'm about to reveal, however, perhaps the most useful advice yet- how to stay awake in church!

Struggling to stay awake in church is not as sinful or satisfying as it may first seem. If you humbly, quietly slip into a church meeting harboring a secret hope to acquire some unique heavenly motivation to be a better a person, the Lord may reward you with soft, comforting spiritual promptings that envelope your yearning soul much like a thick blanket on a cold night. Unfortunately, if you've had a long challenging day or night dealing with work and/or family issues, then that warm, lilting spirit surrounding you can easily lead you to the rest and comfort of slumber. What can be said and shared in church, however, is definitely worth staying awake for. So, what is the secret to sanctifying the slumbering, yet sincere soul?

Here it is. This strategy is more effective than snacking on Junior Mints, a continuous feed of Altoids, or even clandestinely playing with your smartphone. Make sure you complete the following steps in the proper order- I guarantee it will work every time.

1) Attend a stake priesthood leadership meeting on the weekend of stake conference with a visiting General Authority, perhaps Elder Jensen of the Quorum of the Seventy and Church Historian, who has been assigned to call a new stake president.

2) Sit on the second to the front row right in front of the speaker's pulpit. It's important to use the shame of sleeping directly in front of a General Authority to your advantage.

3) After the opening hymn, invocation, and introductions, make sure that the presiding General Authority decides to have all the speakers present their messages in the classroom format, which means that speakers and leaders leave their seats on the stand and sit on the second to the front row (where I am).

4) For the balance of the meeting, leaders will stand on the floor of the chapel in front of the pulpit and share an interactive message using a portable whiteboard. Elder Jensen, the Church Historian, will sit next to you (like he did to me) FOR THE REST OF THE MEETING. He lovingly cups his hand on your right shoulder and makes encouraging remarks about how impressed he is with your new Kindle loaded with the scriptures and all other church publications in PDF format.

5) You are now guaranteed to stay awake for the rest of the meeting. You are soooo excited to be sitting next to Elder Jensen and bask in his gospel presence, that it is impossible to do anything but treasure each precious moment you have to be near to and exchange gospel small talk with him.