My Mormon Third Eye: I See... the Best Ward in the Church

Sunday, July 18, 2010

I See... the Best Ward in the Church

If you really want to determine the best ward in the church, there are two proven methods- the scientific method, and the spiritual method. The Mormon Third Eye will provide a brief explanation of both approaches, allowing you to choose.

The Scientific Approach

This option is labor-intensive but has been known to work effectively when applied in some form in the business world. It involves smart market research. One could visit all 28,424 LDS congregations and, based on your current life stage, seek answers to the following questions:

Newlywed/nearly dead ward?
How big is your primary/young men/young women/ young single adult/single adult/ program?
Do they start/end on time?
Boring speakers that deliver travelogues and thankfulmonies instead of scriptural-based talks and testimonies of Christ?
Do they permit/require adults pass the sacrament?
Is the Bishop too old/young?
Padded seats or hard pews?
Does the ward appear to be too rich or poor for your blood?
Are there too many or not enough opportunities to serve in ward/stake callings?
What about the cars in parking lot- SUVs? Mormon Mini-vans? Convertibles or rustbuckets?

All of these questions can probably be answered by making snap judgments of what can be observed in a sacrament meeting. Employing a 10% sampling technique (hey, it's good enough for tithing) and visiting three sacrament meetings every Sunday, you could be finished in almost 20 years.

Furthermore, with the permission of church authorities, you could add to your analysis supporting statistics:

sacrament meeting attendance
home/visiting teaching percentages
percentage of full tithepayers
percentage of temple recommend holders.

After sorting through responses to all the questions and running the numbers, I'm confident we could identify one outstanding ward, and I suspect it would surface somewhere in the Mountain West region.

The Spiritual Approach

The spiritual method is much easier. All you have to do is attend sacrament meeting in the ward where you live and humbly seek personal revelation as you partake of the sacrament. Elder Jensen a few weeks ago taught us that the purpose of any meeting is for participants to receive revelation. If this happens in the sacrament meeting you attend, then, at that moment, for your personal circumstances, it is the best ward in the church for you.

Which method will you choose?

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The Mormon Third Eye Quote of the Week

"As men of the priesthood, we have an essential role to play in society, at home, and in the Church. But we must be men that women can trust, that children can trust, and that God can trust. In the Church and kingdom of God in these latter days, we cannot afford to have boys and men who are drifting. We cannot afford young men who lack self-discipline and live only to be entertained. We cannot afford young adult men who are going nowhere in life, who are not serious about forming families and making a real contribution in this world. We cannot afford husbands and fathers who fail to provide spiritual leadership in the home."

Elder D. Todd Christofferson
Priesthood Session Conference, October 2012

Why My Mormon Third Eye?

When I politely excused myself in the middle of dinner to make a bathroom stop, how did Mom know that I had uneaten peas in my pocket to flush down the toilet? When I came home late from a youth dance and slid quietly into bed to avoid waking parental units, how did Dad know, without looking at the car, that I smashed in the front bumper? When I watch my daughter play a video game, how do I know that she's not ready for her Geometry final?

Its the Third Eye. The notorious eye in the back of the head, the extra view of life that God blesses parents striving to do the right thing so they can see more of life than the children they chase after.

Our third eye also permits us to see things and feel emotions that are too refined, too far on the edge of our standard two-eyed peripheral vision to enjoy in its fullness. I've learned that I have a Mormon Third Eye; that is, as a life-long, fully-dedicated member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have unique perspective on how the doctrines of the gospel and the demands of my faith in them intersect every other part of my mortal existence to create the entertaining, self-deprecating kaleidoscope of my life.

So... for those of you bold and bored enough to read this far, every so often I'll be sharing here what my Mormon third eye sees. Third eyes are relatively huge; they see the humorous, the entertaining, the embarrassing, the beautiful, the inspirational, and even the moral and political; however, they tend to ignore the evil, depressing and destructive: there is enough of that in world already!

The Four Secrets to Successful Living

Always Go Where There is Free Food - This includes ward and work parties, wedding receptions and missionary open houses; the money you spend to buy the ingredients for the world-famous triple chocolate cake you bring doesn’t count.
Never Pay Full Price for Anything – See my posts on Black Friday escapades for more information on this.
Never, Ever Press the Red Button - Usually, if you are faced with a red button somewhere, don’t press it – it usually means trouble. For example, the red button launches the missiles. Do yourself a favor and don’t press it.
Any Problem You Face Can Be Solved With Bungee Cords and Duct Tape - Bungee cord and duct tape technology has saved many marriages and ward parties. I’m not just talking about problems with plumbing or keeping groceries from bouncing around the trunk; I know of relationship and family issues that have been solved with creative applications of these two substances.