Sunday, January 13, 2008

I See… The Taco Solution


Readers, don’t be scared by the above disclaimer- its only purpose was to clear the decks for discussing a seemingly underhanded, yet practical and effective solution to keeping your teenage children morally clean before they get married. I know it works, because I was a guinea pig when it was field tested too many decades ago. I feel compelled to bless the sliver of humanity who read this blog by passing down the solution to successive generations; just make sure that anyone old enough to process what I’m about to present is too busy at the moment doing something else more important, like history homework.

The answer is… the Taco Solution

I grew up in the middle of seven brothers and sisters, six of whom had approximately one-year gaps in their physical ages. So, when the torrent of teenage hormones ran like a “river of fire” through our family, it was more of a Katrina-like experience rather than a gentle trickle. But our parents were prepared. Why? Because years earlier, when we were on the playground throwing sand in the faces of the opposite sex, they envisioned the day when we would be yearning to spend more time alone with the faces of the opposite sex, so on Saturday nights they started feeding us tacos.

These were not normal tacos. These were meaty, spicy, fire-breathing tacos that should have been registered with the local fire department. By the time we had reached the terrible teens, we had been programmed that the whole world sat down on Saturday nights to eat tacos.

In the fairy-tale world of teenage mormondom in Northern California, the preferred path for satisfying those mystifying desires to hang out with pretty gals and handsome guys was the Saturday night dance. Most of our Saturday nights were spent either attending a stake or regional dance, or plotting to attend one.

However, before our parents let us leave the house, we had to eat our traditional fire-breathing tacos. It’s naturally hard to get close enough to a pretty gal or handsome guy to get yourself in trouble when your breath is nasty enough to create a ten-foot teenage force field around you. Nephites could have defended themselves against the generational anger of a slighted Lamanite nation with the awesome power of the red hot taco.

So, parents, especially those with kids barely old enough to damage your Sunday best with a power burp, start mixing up those hot and nasty delicacies and get them used to consuming them on early Saturday evenings. Like all effective strategies for maintaining moral cleanliness, its essential to start early, before they turn eight and the adversary begins to turn the world against them (does Gerber make a blended taco baby-food flavor?)

By the time they turn 14, the Saturday night hot n’nasty taco tradition may be one of the most powerful tools in your teenage-taming arsenal!


  1. What a great idea! Your parents were so clever! I can't wait to try it. My boys already like hot and spicy food.

  2. Maybe next post could be the "how to" details. I need a new good taco recipe! Oh, and yes, I have seen a taco flavored baby food!

  3. now, this piece of advice is a keeper! Thanks for letting us in on the advice early enough for this strategy to be effective!

  4. Glad you all enjoyed the story, girls. Richard has a great way of telling his childhood stories.... however, Selena, we are wondering why YOU of all people did NOT respond to the Rock Band naming post that was done in your honor, since you have found a new hobby...??!

  5. Our boys are still young, but I am sure they will have a hankerin' for tacos soon enough. Thanks for your Christmas card. It won the Peoples Republic award for the most likely to cause rioteous emotions.