Sunday, January 5, 2014

I See… The New Year’s Eve that Sucked

(Warning: This post was written during an extremely peaceful hypnotic snow fall. I highly recommend it.)

Our family Christmas Eve parties are legendary. Legen… dary. For over fifteen years, for almost every year now, we’ve held a “family” Christmas Eve party for other families without family nearby. We’re talking sweets and games and caroling and dancing and talent shows and a classic reading of Luke Chapter Two.  We’ve packed the house with as many as 55 lonely husbands and wives and sons and daughters pretending to be our family for a night.  Centuries from now, explorers from distant planets will unearth sets of plates with accounts of our family Christmas parties written on them. You can read more about these parties here.

The heights of success achieved at our Christmas parties, however, are matched only by the depths of failure accomplished exactly one week later on New Year’s Eve.  Lately it’s been just my wife and I struggling to stay awake with a cheap bottle of Martinellis until midnight watching other revelers in Times Square watch the ball drop. Google “boring” on your Ipad- you find a picture of us on December 31st there. We’ve enjoyed a tradition of New Year’s Eves worth forgetting.

This year we decided to do something special to celebrate the true nature of our forgettable New Year’s Eves. We decided to hold a New Year’s Eve that really sucked.  We… we… launched a successful city-wide search for a new…vacuum. A vacuum that really sucked.

The old one had been struggling for months. We were due a new machine with the power to pull dirt out of every nook and cranny.  We ended up buying a gleaming new Electrolux Precision upright vacuum cleaner with Brushroll Clean technology.  It was like Christmas morning all over again. My wife, with a documented love affair for appliances (which you can read more about here and here and here), carefully helped me unwrap parts, assemble the body, and make a few test runs throughout the house. We spent the rest of our evening in spotless splendor, and started off the New Year right, enjoying the extravagance of a completely hygienic house. 

And that is how our memorable New Year’s Eve really sucked.

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