My Mormon Third Eye: I See… The New Year’s Eve that Sucked

Sunday, January 5, 2014

I See… The New Year’s Eve that Sucked

(Warning: This post was written during an extremely peaceful hypnotic snow fall. I highly recommend it.)

Our family Christmas Eve parties are legendary. Legen… dary. For over fifteen years, for almost every year now, we’ve held a “family” Christmas Eve party for other families without family nearby. We’re talking sweets and games and caroling and dancing and talent shows and a classic reading of Luke Chapter Two. We’ve packed the house with as many as 55 lonely husbands and wives and sons and daughters pretending to be our family for a night. Centuries from now, explorers from distant planets will unearth sets of plates with accounts of our family Christmas parties written on them. You can read more about these parties here.

The heights of success achieved at our Christmas parties, however, are matched only by the depths of failure accomplished exactly one week later on New Year’s Eve. Lately it’s been just my wife and I struggling to stay awake with a cheap bottle of Martinellis until midnight watching other revelers in Times Square watch the ball drop. Google “boring” on your Ipad- you find a picture of us on December 31^st there. We’ve enjoyed a tradition of New Year’s Eves worth forgetting.

This year we decided to do something special to celebrate the true nature of our forgettable New Year’s Eves. We decided to hold a New Year’s Eve that really sucked. We… we… launched a successful city-wide search for a new…vacuum. A vacuum that really sucked.

The old one had been struggling for months. We were due a new machine with the power to pull dirt out of every nook and cranny. We ended up buying a gleaming new Electrolux Precision upright vacuum cleaner with Brushroll Clean technology. It was like Christmas morning all over again. My wife, with a documented love affair for appliances (which you can read more about here and here and here), carefully helped me unwrap parts, assemble the body, and make a few test runs throughout the house. We spent the rest of our evening in spotless splendor, and started off the New Year right, enjoying the extravagance of a completely hygienic house.

And that is how our memorable New Year’s Eve really sucked.

1 comment:

lindylonzJanuary 5, 2014 at 3:17 PM
Love this!
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The Mormon Third Eye Quote of the Week

"As men of the priesthood, we have an essential role to play in society, at home, and in the Church. But we must be men that women can trust, that children can trust, and that God can trust. In the Church and kingdom of God in these latter days, we cannot afford to have boys and men who are drifting. We cannot afford young men who lack self-discipline and live only to be entertained. We cannot afford young adult men who are going nowhere in life, who are not serious about forming families and making a real contribution in this world. We cannot afford husbands and fathers who fail to provide spiritual leadership in the home."

Elder D. Todd Christofferson
Priesthood Session Conference, October 2012

Why My Mormon Third Eye?

When I politely excused myself in the middle of dinner to make a bathroom stop, how did Mom know that I had uneaten peas in my pocket to flush down the toilet? When I came home late from a youth dance and slid quietly into bed to avoid waking parental units, how did Dad know, without looking at the car, that I smashed in the front bumper? When I watch my daughter play a video game, how do I know that she's not ready for her Geometry final?

Its the Third Eye. The notorious eye in the back of the head, the extra view of life that God blesses parents striving to do the right thing so they can see more of life than the children they chase after.

Our third eye also permits us to see things and feel emotions that are too refined, too far on the edge of our standard two-eyed peripheral vision to enjoy in its fullness. I've learned that I have a Mormon Third Eye; that is, as a life-long, fully-dedicated member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have unique perspective on how the doctrines of the gospel and the demands of my faith in them intersect every other part of my mortal existence to create the entertaining, self-deprecating kaleidoscope of my life.

So... for those of you bold and bored enough to read this far, every so often I'll be sharing here what my Mormon third eye sees. Third eyes are relatively huge; they see the humorous, the entertaining, the embarrassing, the beautiful, the inspirational, and even the moral and political; however, they tend to ignore the evil, depressing and destructive: there is enough of that in world already!

The Four Secrets to Successful Living

Always Go Where There is Free Food - This includes ward and work parties, wedding receptions and missionary open houses; the money you spend to buy the ingredients for the world-famous triple chocolate cake you bring doesn’t count.
Never Pay Full Price for Anything – See my posts on Black Friday escapades for more information on this.
Never, Ever Press the Red Button - Usually, if you are faced with a red button somewhere, don’t press it – it usually means trouble. For example, the red button launches the missiles. Do yourself a favor and don’t press it.
Any Problem You Face Can Be Solved With Bungee Cords and Duct Tape - Bungee cord and duct tape technology has saved many marriages and ward parties. I’m not just talking about problems with plumbing or keeping groceries from bouncing around the trunk; I know of relationship and family issues that have been solved with creative applications of these two substances.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

I See… The New Year’s Eve that Sucked

1 comment:

The Mormon Third Eye Quote of the Week

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