WARNING: THIS IS THE POST MY WIFE WARNED ME NOT WRITE. SOME MAY THINK IT TOO PROVOCATIVE; OTHERS THAT IT IS JUST TOO STUPID AND SILLY. YOU SHOULD JUST KNOW THAT I'M PUSHING THE ENVELOPE OF PROVOCATION, STUPIDITY, AND SILLINESS.
The Mormon Third Eye has always spoken out broadly at the front of key social issues of the day. Whether its feeding teenagers spicy hot tacos before the big dance to keep them away from the opposite sex, breaking vicious addictions to laptops, or the right time to yell at your wife, the Mormon Third Eye is constantly taking a stand on the most controversial, edgy issues that need to be heard outside the constraints of normal Mormon culture. After years, months, weeks, days, hours and even minutes of deep pondering and enlightened analysis, I've finally decided to proclaim my support for... inanimate transgender rights.
I know I'm taking a great risk of offending the morally motivated Mormon majority, but the transgender voices and rights of inanimate objects have been silenced for too long. In fact, I think the Mormon Third Eye is the first to speak out on this incredibly ignored issue. In fact, it is so hidden yet heinous that I'm certain most of you don't even know or care what I'm taking about. However, by the end of the next three paragraphs, you will at least know.
It is normal and customary to affectionately assign gender roles to expensive and/or important inanimate objects in our lives. Treasured temporal items we worship as idols on the high altars of materialism are the most common recipients. Big bad bikers on the road call their hogs “she;” when my wife's gleaming new silver fridge proudly pumps out sparkly water and extra cold ice through the door for our convenience, it is a “he.”
I claim, however, that these gender-charged labels are completely superfluous and condescending to those owners of worldly wealth who are too busy worrying about their eternal salvation and their home teaching to maintain a consistent regime of caring about treasured objects as if they were actually human. Because they are not actually human, and their only part in the plan of salvation is either a mild distraction from right or a detractor from wrong, we shouldn't have to care about their sex. And if we don't have to care about their sex, then it shouldn't matter if you want to call your restored monster '67 Chevy Mable or Marvin; or even both in the same paragraph. It's okay. It's okay. When the puny netbook I am writing this on goes to the blue screen of death for the last time, it's okay for me to complain, “She's finally died on me; he was a good computer while he lasted.” Inanimate transgender rights are appropriate for those who don't want to care.
The bottom line is that if you have a favorite treasured car, cycle, computer, or cable TV company, and wish to make believe that it does have a life of its own, then you should at least give them the freedom of transgender titles. In the infinitesimally small world of the Mormon Third Eye, inanimate objects will always enjoy the immeasurably large privilege of capriciously exchanging their sexual identities at the whim of their owners keeping life in perspective.
I love the Mormon Third Eye. She's a great blog. I think he has a lot of good posts left in her.