My Mormon Third Eye: I See... a Walk in the Sewer

Sunday, August 19, 2012

I See... a Walk in the Sewer

(WARNING: RIGHT NOW I’M RELAXING ON THE DECK OF A BEACHFRONT HOUSE AT EMERALD ISLE, NORTH CAROLINA ON A SOOTHING SUNDAY MORNING WATCHING THE ROLLING WAVES HYPNOTIZE MY SOUL: THINK ABOUT THAT FOR A MOMENT BEFORE YOU START READING)

If you possess even a fleeting interest in the divine future of America, the promised land of freedom and liberty, you’re about to take a walk in the sewer. Why? Because during this election season, you’ll diligently try to pay attention to what the candidates stand for, and along the way you’re going to have to wade through some pretty severe political mudslinging and unwarranted personal attacks first. Before you educate yourself about issues that can truly affect our temporary present and eternal future, such as overwhelming federal debt, entitlement mentalities, healthcare for all, gambling, the sanctity of traditional marriage, and freedom of speech and religion, you’ll be taught about the character of presidential candidates: Communists, tax-cheats, elite snobs, and heartless capitalists responsible for cancer in old ladies.

I plead with you to hang in there. Wise counsel from inspired church leaders encourages us to evaluate the character and positions of candidates on the issues, and vote for those who are most likely to support and promote gospel principles and beleifs. Also remember that some of the filth manufactured by political action committees sound more like nursery rhymes compared to historical trash talk. In the 1800’s, President John Adams was labeled a “hideous hermaphroditical character which has neither the force and firmness of a man, nor the gentleness and sensiblity of a woman, and Andrew Jackson was “a gambler, a cock fighter, a slave trader and the husband of a really fat wife.” Sometimes you need to take a walk in the sewer before you get to the end of the pipe and reach daylight. Just hold your nose and make the trek.

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The Mormon Third Eye Quote of the Week

"As men of the priesthood, we have an essential role to play in society, at home, and in the Church. But we must be men that women can trust, that children can trust, and that God can trust. In the Church and kingdom of God in these latter days, we cannot afford to have boys and men who are drifting. We cannot afford young men who lack self-discipline and live only to be entertained. We cannot afford young adult men who are going nowhere in life, who are not serious about forming families and making a real contribution in this world. We cannot afford husbands and fathers who fail to provide spiritual leadership in the home."

Elder D. Todd Christofferson
Priesthood Session Conference, October 2012

Why My Mormon Third Eye?

When I politely excused myself in the middle of dinner to make a bathroom stop, how did Mom know that I had uneaten peas in my pocket to flush down the toilet? When I came home late from a youth dance and slid quietly into bed to avoid waking parental units, how did Dad know, without looking at the car, that I smashed in the front bumper? When I watch my daughter play a video game, how do I know that she's not ready for her Geometry final?

Its the Third Eye. The notorious eye in the back of the head, the extra view of life that God blesses parents striving to do the right thing so they can see more of life than the children they chase after.

Our third eye also permits us to see things and feel emotions that are too refined, too far on the edge of our standard two-eyed peripheral vision to enjoy in its fullness. I've learned that I have a Mormon Third Eye; that is, as a life-long, fully-dedicated member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have unique perspective on how the doctrines of the gospel and the demands of my faith in them intersect every other part of my mortal existence to create the entertaining, self-deprecating kaleidoscope of my life.

So... for those of you bold and bored enough to read this far, every so often I'll be sharing here what my Mormon third eye sees. Third eyes are relatively huge; they see the humorous, the entertaining, the embarrassing, the beautiful, the inspirational, and even the moral and political; however, they tend to ignore the evil, depressing and destructive: there is enough of that in world already!

The Four Secrets to Successful Living

Always Go Where There is Free Food - This includes ward and work parties, wedding receptions and missionary open houses; the money you spend to buy the ingredients for the world-famous triple chocolate cake you bring doesn’t count.
Never Pay Full Price for Anything – See my posts on Black Friday escapades for more information on this.
Never, Ever Press the Red Button - Usually, if you are faced with a red button somewhere, don’t press it – it usually means trouble. For example, the red button launches the missiles. Do yourself a favor and don’t press it.
Any Problem You Face Can Be Solved With Bungee Cords and Duct Tape - Bungee cord and duct tape technology has saved many marriages and ward parties. I’m not just talking about problems with plumbing or keeping groceries from bouncing around the trunk; I know of relationship and family issues that have been solved with creative applications of these two substances.