Sunday, December 13, 2015

I See... The Future of the BYU-UofU Rivalry

(Editors note:  If you are a University of Utah fan, look away. Look away now.  You have been warned.)

The Mormon Third Eye hates to wait. Waiting for the big game next Saturday in Las Vegas is killing me. So, employing magical powers of prognostication, the Mormon Third Eye tried to look into next weekend to see what it could see. Unfortunately, like much of what MTE tries to accomplish, it radically overachieved and peered all the way into next year- exactly one year after next week's Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl- December 19th 2016! The Mormon Third Eye has looked into the future before, with mixed results. You can read about that here.

Anyway, here is what it saw reported via the completely fictional Third Eye Network (TEN):

(TEN) 19 December 2016: It's been exactly one year since University of Utah's crushing 84-0 loss to BYU, which sparked an incredible chain reaction of improbable events. It was in the 2015 Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl that BYU, in a remarkable act of extreme compassion, accepted Utah's plea to end the carnage early and call the game at the end of third quarter, saving them the shame of being the first Division I football team in the past two centuries to lose a game by a triple-digit margin. It was only a few weeks after this most embarrassing loss in the history of college football that University of Utah administration approached the Cougars again with another unusual request; save them again from ultimate academic and spiritual ruin by accepting their plea to become a satellite campus of BYU.

BYU administration, in another singular display of ultimate irony, embraced their neighbors and officially ended hundreds of years of rivalry. The next 11 months of work to transform University of Utah into a new institution of much higher learning, a division of the new Brigham Young Utah University (BYUU), was a blur of negotiations, arrangements, and realignments. The most difficult but necessary move was rehabbing the old Ute sports training facility into a massive detox center for the tens of thousands of students needing to overcome liquor and nicotine addictions.

Last week, Harry Armpitz, in his last official act as University of Utah spokesmen, thanked BYU for their outpouring of love and support during this difficult time of transition. “We continue to be amazed at our new leadership's willingness to forget the past and move forward in a spirit of unity.” Capitalizing on lessons learned from ingesting Ricks College ten years ago, BYU agreed to preserve the “Ute Spirit” by installing red urinals in all on-campus bathroom facilities. “It is important that we preserve the “Ute Spirit” in highly symbolic ways that have real meaning for BYU administration, alumni, and students.”

It could happen! 

1 comment:

  1. Brother Tait, as a third generation Ute with no substance abuse issues, I'm happy to report that your wild imagination is very entertaining. It will take you far - probably to another dimension where this "could happen!" Let me know how it is out there? Looking forward to your letters! Gwen