My Mormon Third Eye: I See… How to Become the Ultimately Cheap BYU Fan

Sunday, June 9, 2013

I See… How to Become the Ultimately Cheap BYU Fan

Unilke many of my fellow BYU graduates, the pinnacle of success I have achieved unfortunately did not include vast sums of money. In my heart of hearts, I would prefer to show my undying devotion to BYU and it’s mission with enormous endowments of hard-earned funds; however, certainly the Lord has provided a way for even the poor among us to appropriately display our dedication. The two enduring loves of my life, my wife and BYU (in that order), deserve as much praise and devotion as I am financially, emotionally, spiritually, and chronologically able to offer (read about it here), but inevitably I fall short on both accounts.

Then I discovered the marvelous secret to cheaply yet avidly promoting the mission and values of BYU in my home, and in the long and storied tradition of the Mormon Third Eye blessing the mass of dedicated readers with the answers to life’s most difficult problems, I share it with you now.

Two words: Sticker Power.

The governing premise of this strategy is that stickers have power. That is, if you put a sticker on something, that something “belongs” to the organization depicted on the sticker. Two simple steps will allow you to turn five dollars of stickers into five thousand dollars of BYU spirit.

Step One:

Purchase a set of BYU stickers from your local BYU bookstore or over the Internet.

Step Two:

Strategically place a BYU sticker on a majority of your most prized and expensive household possessions. Suddenly,

A standard convection oven becomes a high-class BYU oven!

Your average Artisan mixer becomes a sleek BYU mixer!

Your prized Samick piano becomes an even more highly-prized BYU piano!

The antique hutch that has been in your family for generations becomes an expensive BYU hutch!

What bathroom would be complete without a collectors BYU toilet?

A cheap HP printr becomes a classic BYU printer!

Which is attached to a BYU brand computer!

Don't forget the BYU Kindle...

the BYU automatic dishwasher...

the BYU vacuum cleaner...

the BYU Bookcase...

a collection of BYU kitchen utensils...

matching BYU washer and dryer...

our high-end BYU sewing machine...

and last, but certainly not least, showers using water flowing from our BYU hot water heater!

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Some may think that I have gone overboard on my allegiance to BYU; others may claim I am obsessed or possessed with the Lord's University. My only regret, however, is that I was not inspired with this solution until 29 years AFTER graduating from BYU. All those wasted years...

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The Mormon Third Eye Quote of the Week

"As men of the priesthood, we have an essential role to play in society, at home, and in the Church. But we must be men that women can trust, that children can trust, and that God can trust. In the Church and kingdom of God in these latter days, we cannot afford to have boys and men who are drifting. We cannot afford young men who lack self-discipline and live only to be entertained. We cannot afford young adult men who are going nowhere in life, who are not serious about forming families and making a real contribution in this world. We cannot afford husbands and fathers who fail to provide spiritual leadership in the home."

Elder D. Todd Christofferson
Priesthood Session Conference, October 2012

Why My Mormon Third Eye?

When I politely excused myself in the middle of dinner to make a bathroom stop, how did Mom know that I had uneaten peas in my pocket to flush down the toilet? When I came home late from a youth dance and slid quietly into bed to avoid waking parental units, how did Dad know, without looking at the car, that I smashed in the front bumper? When I watch my daughter play a video game, how do I know that she's not ready for her Geometry final?

Its the Third Eye. The notorious eye in the back of the head, the extra view of life that God blesses parents striving to do the right thing so they can see more of life than the children they chase after.

Our third eye also permits us to see things and feel emotions that are too refined, too far on the edge of our standard two-eyed peripheral vision to enjoy in its fullness. I've learned that I have a Mormon Third Eye; that is, as a life-long, fully-dedicated member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have unique perspective on how the doctrines of the gospel and the demands of my faith in them intersect every other part of my mortal existence to create the entertaining, self-deprecating kaleidoscope of my life.

So... for those of you bold and bored enough to read this far, every so often I'll be sharing here what my Mormon third eye sees. Third eyes are relatively huge; they see the humorous, the entertaining, the embarrassing, the beautiful, the inspirational, and even the moral and political; however, they tend to ignore the evil, depressing and destructive: there is enough of that in world already!

The Four Secrets to Successful Living

Always Go Where There is Free Food - This includes ward and work parties, wedding receptions and missionary open houses; the money you spend to buy the ingredients for the world-famous triple chocolate cake you bring doesn’t count.
Never Pay Full Price for Anything – See my posts on Black Friday escapades for more information on this.
Never, Ever Press the Red Button - Usually, if you are faced with a red button somewhere, don’t press it – it usually means trouble. For example, the red button launches the missiles. Do yourself a favor and don’t press it.
Any Problem You Face Can Be Solved With Bungee Cords and Duct Tape - Bungee cord and duct tape technology has saved many marriages and ward parties. I’m not just talking about problems with plumbing or keeping groceries from bouncing around the trunk; I know of relationship and family issues that have been solved with creative applications of these two substances.