My Mormon Third Eye: I See… Soft, Grey Friday

Sunday, November 18, 2012

I See… Soft, Grey Friday

The Mormon Third Eye has always subscribed to that precious principle of truth in advertising and accuracy in rendering descriptions of what is real. In that vein, how can any rational human being continue call the Friday after Thanksgiving “Black Friday?” Too many retailers, some who even blaspheme in the name of safety and protection of shoppers, in reality have ruined a perfectly primordial tradition in the eternal quest for profits. More and more of them are opening their doors on Thanksgiving Day evening, hence depriving me of the thriils and spills of early Friday morning shopping wars.

So, let’s call it what it has really become. Thank you Walmart, Target, Sears, and other big box retailers for turning the excitement and pageantry of a perfectly memorable tradition, Black Friday, into the casual catastrophe the Mormon Third Eye now proclaims to be “Soft, Grey Friday.”

What happened to the bonding and camaderie captured by brave shoppers waiting together in the penetrating early morning darkness of subzero temperatures, passing the time sharing unbelievable stories of shopping conquests of previous Black Fridays, some of which may actually be true? What about the one-legged man who used his crutch, and the young mom who used her two-week old baby, to prevent others from cutting in line and getting to the half-price laptops before they do? Who will be there to stop the saintly, middle-aged hefty round African-American grandma from ruthlessly body-slamming shoppers who dare cross her path to the ground, then walking over them on her way to the sale on computer monitors? Who will organize an early morning crack assault team of pre-teen nieces and nephews, complete with store diagrams, walkie-talkies, and code names, and execute a pre-planned, synchronized operation to descend upon Best Buy at 5:00 am and immediately locate the target, an all-in-one printer ? Seal Team Six would have been proud.

These are the priceless memories that have been made by sacrificing one Thursday night and Friday morning of sleep, warmth, and other basic comforts. As I graciously slide through middle age, I yearn for those magic moments of mayhem with loved ones. For some reason, working off a sumptuous Thanksgiving Day dinner by strolling down the mall that same evening, or even worse, relaxing at home shopping online from the comfort of a lazyboy recliner, doesn’t seem to capture the same thrill of the hunt.

But I’ll try anyway. Woohoo! Soft Grey Friday! Woohoo… yippee…

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The Mormon Third Eye Quote of the Week

"As men of the priesthood, we have an essential role to play in society, at home, and in the Church. But we must be men that women can trust, that children can trust, and that God can trust. In the Church and kingdom of God in these latter days, we cannot afford to have boys and men who are drifting. We cannot afford young men who lack self-discipline and live only to be entertained. We cannot afford young adult men who are going nowhere in life, who are not serious about forming families and making a real contribution in this world. We cannot afford husbands and fathers who fail to provide spiritual leadership in the home."

Elder D. Todd Christofferson
Priesthood Session Conference, October 2012

Why My Mormon Third Eye?

When I politely excused myself in the middle of dinner to make a bathroom stop, how did Mom know that I had uneaten peas in my pocket to flush down the toilet? When I came home late from a youth dance and slid quietly into bed to avoid waking parental units, how did Dad know, without looking at the car, that I smashed in the front bumper? When I watch my daughter play a video game, how do I know that she's not ready for her Geometry final?

Its the Third Eye. The notorious eye in the back of the head, the extra view of life that God blesses parents striving to do the right thing so they can see more of life than the children they chase after.

Our third eye also permits us to see things and feel emotions that are too refined, too far on the edge of our standard two-eyed peripheral vision to enjoy in its fullness. I've learned that I have a Mormon Third Eye; that is, as a life-long, fully-dedicated member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have unique perspective on how the doctrines of the gospel and the demands of my faith in them intersect every other part of my mortal existence to create the entertaining, self-deprecating kaleidoscope of my life.

So... for those of you bold and bored enough to read this far, every so often I'll be sharing here what my Mormon third eye sees. Third eyes are relatively huge; they see the humorous, the entertaining, the embarrassing, the beautiful, the inspirational, and even the moral and political; however, they tend to ignore the evil, depressing and destructive: there is enough of that in world already!

The Four Secrets to Successful Living

Always Go Where There is Free Food - This includes ward and work parties, wedding receptions and missionary open houses; the money you spend to buy the ingredients for the world-famous triple chocolate cake you bring doesn’t count.
Never Pay Full Price for Anything – See my posts on Black Friday escapades for more information on this.
Never, Ever Press the Red Button - Usually, if you are faced with a red button somewhere, don’t press it – it usually means trouble. For example, the red button launches the missiles. Do yourself a favor and don’t press it.
Any Problem You Face Can Be Solved With Bungee Cords and Duct Tape - Bungee cord and duct tape technology has saved many marriages and ward parties. I’m not just talking about problems with plumbing or keeping groceries from bouncing around the trunk; I know of relationship and family issues that have been solved with creative applications of these two substances.