Sunday, September 4, 2011

I See... Where in Utah is the Mormon Third Eye? The First Billion-Dollar Giveaway!



(WARNING: PLEASE SIT DOWN BEFORE YOU READ ON; ITS PRETTY AMAZING)

The Mormon Third Eye will be making a few secret cameo appearances in Utah this coming weekend. For security reasons, exact locations won't be revealled here- I'll be intentionally trying to fly under the radar all over Utah during my visit, avoiding the unruly mobs of fame-seekers that usually accompany my scripted public appearances. I'm going to be cleverly disguised as a normal, mild-mannered middle-aged father of a soon-to-be married son. The question is, can you find me? Where in Utah is the Mormon Third Eye?

To make this worth the reader's while, I'm offering the largest cash prize in the history of the known world- (this is the part where you should be sitting down) ONE... BILLION... DOLLARS...! Yes! You heard it right! ONE... BILLION... DOLLARS...! For proof that this is really happening, I've included a photostatic copy of the actual billion dollar bill that will be given away.

Here's the deal. I'm going to keep this billion dollar bill with me at all times while touring several secret locations incognito throughout Utah this week. The first person who walks up to me and courageously asks, “aren't you the Mormon Third Eye?” will instantly become the proud owner of one... billion... dollars.... No questions asked. On the spot. One... billion... dollars...

I know that one... billion... dollars... is a lot of money. Heck, the Pentagon could buy a couple of space-age toilets for military transports in Afghanistan for that much money! You could buy a couple of congressmen for that much money! However, the MTE readers/fans deserve it. They are worth every penny. Good Luck!

Two important clarifications:

1) I guarantee that the prize will be a billion dollar bill. I cannot guarantee, however, that banks, shops, and other institutions that accept cash as payment or surety will accept the bill at its declared face value of one... billion... dollars... You'll have to work that detail out with the payee. Furthermore, with the rapidly declining value of the dollar in international markets, it is entirely possible that by the time the winner gets around to spending it, it may be worth much less than one.. billion... dollars.

2) Family, relatives, and employees of the Mormon Third Eye are automatically disqualified. If any of them want one... billion... dollars..., they'll have to cleverly convince someone I don't know to ask on their behalf.


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