My Mormon Third Eye: I See... Where in Utah is the Mormon Third Eye? The First Billion-Dollar Giveaway!

Sunday, September 4, 2011

I See... Where in Utah is the Mormon Third Eye? The First Billion-Dollar Giveaway!

(WARNING: PLEASE SIT DOWN BEFORE YOU READ ON; ITS PRETTY AMAZING)

The Mormon Third Eye will be making a few secret cameo appearances in Utah this coming weekend. For security reasons, exact locations won't be revealled here- I'll be intentionally trying to fly under the radar all over Utah during my visit, avoiding the unruly mobs of fame-seekers that usually accompany my scripted public appearances. I'm going to be cleverly disguised as a normal, mild-mannered middle-aged father of a soon-to-be married son. The question is, can you find me? Where in Utah is the Mormon Third Eye?

To make this worth the reader's while, I'm offering the largest cash prize in the history of the known world- (this is the part where you should be sitting down) ONE... BILLION... DOLLARS...! Yes! You heard it right! ONE... BILLION... DOLLARS...! For proof that this is really happening, I've included a photostatic copy of the actual billion dollar bill that will be given away.

Here's the deal. I'm going to keep this billion dollar bill with me at all times while touring several secret locations incognito throughout Utah this week. The first person who walks up to me and courageously asks, “aren't you the Mormon Third Eye?” will instantly become the proud owner of one... billion... dollars.... No questions asked. On the spot. One... billion... dollars...

I know that one... billion... dollars... is a lot of money. Heck, the Pentagon could buy a couple of space-age toilets for military transports in Afghanistan for that much money! You could buy a couple of congressmen for that much money! However, the MTE readers/fans deserve it. They are worth every penny. Good Luck!

Two important clarifications:

1) I guarantee that the prize will be a billion dollar bill. I cannot guarantee, however, that banks, shops, and other institutions that accept cash as payment or surety will accept the bill at its declared face value of one... billion... dollars... You'll have to work that detail out with the payee. Furthermore, with the rapidly declining value of the dollar in international markets, it is entirely possible that by the time the winner gets around to spending it, it may be worth much less than one.. billion... dollars.

2) Family, relatives, and employees of the Mormon Third Eye are automatically disqualified. If any of them want one... billion... dollars..., they'll have to cleverly convince someone I don't know to ask on their behalf.

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The Mormon Third Eye Quote of the Week

"As men of the priesthood, we have an essential role to play in society, at home, and in the Church. But we must be men that women can trust, that children can trust, and that God can trust. In the Church and kingdom of God in these latter days, we cannot afford to have boys and men who are drifting. We cannot afford young men who lack self-discipline and live only to be entertained. We cannot afford young adult men who are going nowhere in life, who are not serious about forming families and making a real contribution in this world. We cannot afford husbands and fathers who fail to provide spiritual leadership in the home."

Elder D. Todd Christofferson
Priesthood Session Conference, October 2012

Why My Mormon Third Eye?

When I politely excused myself in the middle of dinner to make a bathroom stop, how did Mom know that I had uneaten peas in my pocket to flush down the toilet? When I came home late from a youth dance and slid quietly into bed to avoid waking parental units, how did Dad know, without looking at the car, that I smashed in the front bumper? When I watch my daughter play a video game, how do I know that she's not ready for her Geometry final?

Its the Third Eye. The notorious eye in the back of the head, the extra view of life that God blesses parents striving to do the right thing so they can see more of life than the children they chase after.

Our third eye also permits us to see things and feel emotions that are too refined, too far on the edge of our standard two-eyed peripheral vision to enjoy in its fullness. I've learned that I have a Mormon Third Eye; that is, as a life-long, fully-dedicated member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have unique perspective on how the doctrines of the gospel and the demands of my faith in them intersect every other part of my mortal existence to create the entertaining, self-deprecating kaleidoscope of my life.

So... for those of you bold and bored enough to read this far, every so often I'll be sharing here what my Mormon third eye sees. Third eyes are relatively huge; they see the humorous, the entertaining, the embarrassing, the beautiful, the inspirational, and even the moral and political; however, they tend to ignore the evil, depressing and destructive: there is enough of that in world already!

The Four Secrets to Successful Living

Always Go Where There is Free Food - This includes ward and work parties, wedding receptions and missionary open houses; the money you spend to buy the ingredients for the world-famous triple chocolate cake you bring doesn’t count.
Never Pay Full Price for Anything – See my posts on Black Friday escapades for more information on this.
Never, Ever Press the Red Button - Usually, if you are faced with a red button somewhere, don’t press it – it usually means trouble. For example, the red button launches the missiles. Do yourself a favor and don’t press it.
Any Problem You Face Can Be Solved With Bungee Cords and Duct Tape - Bungee cord and duct tape technology has saved many marriages and ward parties. I’m not just talking about problems with plumbing or keeping groceries from bouncing around the trunk; I know of relationship and family issues that have been solved with creative applications of these two substances.