I See... When Parents Steal From Their Children

((note to readers: the Mormon Third Eye, constantly striving to pushing the envelope on cutting edge blog methodology, is doing it again with this, the first post in response to a reader's request on a specific topic. Yes, I take requests!))

Third Eye News (TEN)- In a stunning move destined to disturb Marvin and Molly Mormons for millennia to come, authorities conducted a nationwide sting yesterday and issued arrest warrants for millions of parents of perfect children across the United States. The charge? Grand Larceny.

In a press conference on the steps of Capitol Building, a spokesman for Real Excellent Parents Expecting Normal Teenagers (REPENT), the group that conducted the sting and issued the warrants, claimed that “This is a moral contagion that has corrupted the core of functional families, communities, and nations. Parents of so-called perfect children have been stealing the gift of repentance friom their children without recrimination for decades. This practice has created the cesspool of ethically bankrupt adults we are plagued with today, and holding the parents of perceived perfect children responsible for their truly imperfect actions now is a great first step in the right direction.”

According to the affidavits filed in the court of public opinion earlier this morning, REPENT investigators released thousands of hours of hidden camera footage showing the parents of perfect children robbing their offspring of the opportunity to repent, thereby denying them of the blessings of learning from their mistakes and maturing into responsible, caring adults. Included in the overwhelming mass of evidence were several instances of parents falsely defending their guilty children against verifiable claims of cheating on tests; bullying emotionally, physically, and mentally disabled classmates; stealing double-chocolate brownies from other kid's lunches; and nosily running down hallways in church, intentionally trying to disrupt Sunday School classes and disturb sleeping adults. In one particularly heinous display of moral thievery, a mother could be seen standing defiantly in front of her obviously aromatic but dirty knee-stained elementary school-aged son, screaming at a neighbor, “We (family name deleted pending court action) do not raise packs of thieves! There is no way in Venezuela that my little perfect angel of a boy would ever steal the flowers he gave me from your garden!”

“Repentance is a precious gift that teaches children the importance of maintaining integrity in what is becoming an inherently ethically incompetent society. Our greatest concern,” continued the spokesman, “is that children denied the gift of repenting from their own mistakes won't learn from them, and in a worst case scenario, may grow up to be politicians or lawyers.”