Sunday, December 21, 2008

I See... the Sealed Portion of the Handbook

It's been over six years since I've had official access to an official General Handbook of Instructions, but I'm convinced there is a part of the handbook that no one has seen: the Sealed Portion of the Handbook. Just like the original text of the Book of Mormon, where the Lord commands that some of its precious parts are to be withheld, or sealed, until his people are ready and worthy to receive it, the Sealed Portion of the Handbook contains instructions and/or guidelines for administrating the affairs of the church that are being officially withheld until the members are ready.

However, in the Mormon Third Eye tradition of exposing to the masses via the Internet breaking news on what may seem important to some, through extensive research and misguided, mindless pondering, I am now able to reveal several unofficial policies currently in force that have somehow slipped out of the sealed portion of the handbook. Hopefully this list will prepare members to live the higher law contained in the sealed portion when church leaders determine that they are ready:

  • at Releif Society activities where food is served, there must be serving lines on both sides of the table;
  • if you want something done quickly, call the Priesthood; if it needs to be done right, call the Releif Society;
  • the Bishop is the busiest guy in the ward BEFORE he is called;
  • Students who work part-time while attending BYU should earn better grades;
  • There must always be a Democrat in the Bishopric;
  • If you date before you are 16, or get physically serious with someone before you turn 18, you WILL have a problem with the law of chastity;
  • the deadline for quality home/visiting teaching is the 15th of every month;
  • church insurance is much higher for priesthood-sponsored activities;
  • just a little pornography is not acceptable;
  • no flip-flops;
  • cartoons ties are for Aaronic Priesthood holders only;
  • opening and closing prayers are required for Sunday Super Bowl parties;
  • teenage children may attend the college of their choice, but their tuition is going to BYU;
  • men in Young Single Adult Wards may accept callings in Relief Society as Passionate Service Leaders;
  • it is permissible for young children to cry continuously during sacrament meetings where visiting General Authorities and Stake Presidents preside;
  • members watching General Conference at home in immodest pajamas do not get credit;
  • although all who are worthy will enter the Celestial Kingdom, Scoutmasters and Nursery Leaders will get priority boarding;
  • pregnant women can be counted as 1.5 people when compiling sacrament meeting attendance numbers during quarterly budget months;
  • shopping on the Internet on Sunday for church books or airline tickets to visit Utah is OK;
  • all men or women called to positions of authority should have an embarrassing, awkward, or ancient middle name. They may, however, shorten it to one initial;
  • parents should consider punishing newborn baby boys resulting from unusually long or painful labor with an obscure Book of Mormon name;
  • members sitting in the pews during particularly relaxing sacrament meetings may fall asleep; only stake patriarchs, however, are permitted this same privilege while sitting on the stand;
  • the spirit goes to bed at midnight;
  • speakers in church meeting talks should never ask “converts” to stand or raise their hands- it embarrasses listeners who have fallen asleep, and/or life-long church members who do not have a testimony;
  • handbooks for auxiliaries are getting thinner to counterbalance leaders who are getting thicker;
  • on Fast Sunday, Primary children may be assigned to guard drinking fountains;
  • ugly babies should be blessed at home;
  • missionaries are required to hug their mothers;
  • Bishops and Stake Presidents may hire private security firms to enforce ward boundaries.

7 comments:

  1. Very funny and acurate list. I would also like to add that while white shirts are recomended for priesthood holders, no worthy priesthood holder wearing an off colored shirt shall be denied the oportunity to participate in the priesthood ordinances. The color of shirt does not indicate the worthiness of a man. (if only worthiness interviews were that easy)

    ReplyDelete
  2. let's get technical about this... it all depends on your definition of white... does the white shirt have to be stain-free? If so, I've been involved in many priesthood ordinances that need to be recalled or redone...
    keep a close watch on your mailbox- you've got a Mormon Third Eyeball coming your way!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. And, if it isn't covered in the handbook, we will take a vote and decide what the handbook should have said. What is convenient for us is the usual outcome.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I have to admit, that it's late, and I haven't really read this post (yet)...and I even need to repent and say that I haven't visited this blog in awhile (I've got A LOT of catching up to do!) BUT the eyeballs did catch my eye (ha, get it!) and I wanted to seem one come to MY mailbox...I dare you! (and I promise to be a better blogger...I've got catching up to do on my own too! can I blame it on the snow?)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Selena,

    Your post encapsulates the spirit of the Mormon Third Eye. No doubt, after you receive your squishy eyeball and squeeze it through your fingers, you'll be motivated to visit more often!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I laughed so hard that the cat left the room!

    ReplyDelete
  7. "although all who are worthy will enter the Celestial Kingdom, Scoutmasters and Nursery Leaders will get priority boarding"

    This is so incredibly true you have NO idea. LOVED this list.

    ReplyDelete