My Mormon Third Eye: I See... Dental Discrimination

Sunday, May 22, 2016

I See... Dental Discrimination

As we actively march forward on a nationwide quest to eradicate all forms of discrimination and make everyone feel valued and safe, I've discovered another insidious form of favoritism- dental discrimination. I have bad teeth, it's not my fault, and I want redress.

This is somewhat embarrassing, but it's time expose this for what it truly is and seek justice. I have bad teeth. It's a genetic trait I inherited from my parents, and the constant onslaught of advertising in all media forms pressuring me to coat my teeth with corrosive waves of sugar and acid makes it worse. I've heard that brushing and flossing them regularly and cleanings at the dentist helps, but with the deck already stacked against me I gave up on those practices years ago.

I feel oppressed and distressed because of the condition of my teeth. Every time someone with perfect teeth flashes a toothy smile in public places, I feel uncomfortable. This situation is, at a minimum, unfortunate, because I have a constitutional right to feel happy and loved in any situation. The only solution, which must be implemented nationwide immediately to save all citizens with bad teeth from the terrible stigma associated with bad teeth, is a complete ban on smiles that reveal the existence of teeth in your mouth.

Only lip-only smiles should be permitted in lands under federal jurisdiction. Enforcement of this expansive mandate may require us to raise taxes to fund creation of a separate division of the Department of Justice to hire and train a massive army of smile monitors, but it's the only sure way that millions of toothless smile sufferers like myself can ever feel safe all the time. You must comply.

1 comment:

Brian TaitMay 22, 2016 at 5:38 PM
This is great. I get so worked up and jealous of my wife's perfect teeth. Life really just is not fair. This is probably what has created the most friction in our relationship. She has happily agreed though to never show her teeth when she smiles out of the kindness of her heart. Now if that is not charity then I don't what is. I wish there were more people like my wife out there to make me feel better about this dental discrimination that I've had to go through.
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The Mormon Third Eye Quote of the Week

"As men of the priesthood, we have an essential role to play in society, at home, and in the Church. But we must be men that women can trust, that children can trust, and that God can trust. In the Church and kingdom of God in these latter days, we cannot afford to have boys and men who are drifting. We cannot afford young men who lack self-discipline and live only to be entertained. We cannot afford young adult men who are going nowhere in life, who are not serious about forming families and making a real contribution in this world. We cannot afford husbands and fathers who fail to provide spiritual leadership in the home."

Elder D. Todd Christofferson
Priesthood Session Conference, October 2012

Why My Mormon Third Eye?

When I politely excused myself in the middle of dinner to make a bathroom stop, how did Mom know that I had uneaten peas in my pocket to flush down the toilet? When I came home late from a youth dance and slid quietly into bed to avoid waking parental units, how did Dad know, without looking at the car, that I smashed in the front bumper? When I watch my daughter play a video game, how do I know that she's not ready for her Geometry final?

Its the Third Eye. The notorious eye in the back of the head, the extra view of life that God blesses parents striving to do the right thing so they can see more of life than the children they chase after.

Our third eye also permits us to see things and feel emotions that are too refined, too far on the edge of our standard two-eyed peripheral vision to enjoy in its fullness. I've learned that I have a Mormon Third Eye; that is, as a life-long, fully-dedicated member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have unique perspective on how the doctrines of the gospel and the demands of my faith in them intersect every other part of my mortal existence to create the entertaining, self-deprecating kaleidoscope of my life.

So... for those of you bold and bored enough to read this far, every so often I'll be sharing here what my Mormon third eye sees. Third eyes are relatively huge; they see the humorous, the entertaining, the embarrassing, the beautiful, the inspirational, and even the moral and political; however, they tend to ignore the evil, depressing and destructive: there is enough of that in world already!

The Four Secrets to Successful Living

Always Go Where There is Free Food - This includes ward and work parties, wedding receptions and missionary open houses; the money you spend to buy the ingredients for the world-famous triple chocolate cake you bring doesn’t count.
Never Pay Full Price for Anything – See my posts on Black Friday escapades for more information on this.
Never, Ever Press the Red Button - Usually, if you are faced with a red button somewhere, don’t press it – it usually means trouble. For example, the red button launches the missiles. Do yourself a favor and don’t press it.
Any Problem You Face Can Be Solved With Bungee Cords and Duct Tape - Bungee cord and duct tape technology has saved many marriages and ward parties. I’m not just talking about problems with plumbing or keeping groceries from bouncing around the trunk; I know of relationship and family issues that have been solved with creative applications of these two substances.

Sunday, May 22, 2016

I See... Dental Discrimination

1 comment:

The Mormon Third Eye Quote of the Week

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