Sunday, July 27, 2014

I See… A Creative New Standard for Measuring Attraction


(NOTE: ALTHOUGH THE MORMON THIRD EYE OFTEN MAKES SUPERFICIAL CLAIMS OF ROBUST STAFF RESEARCH, THIS IS THE FIRST BLOGPOST THAT HAS ACTUALLY USED STAFF- THANKS TO KATE, JULIA, H-DOG, AND EMMA LIFFERTH.)

There are currently a wide range of standards commonly used to measure the world around us.  We measure the size of our homes, the quality of our car tires, the temperature of our consumables, and much, much, more. Some standards of measurement are innately arbitrary, such as the pain index doctors use when interviewing patients.  Everything important to us deserves to be measured. Why, then, do we not have a standard for measuring attraction?

I quickly noticed this appalling gap of accurate tools and terminology for objectively measuring attraction soon after I embarked on that wonderful voyage we call marriage.  My new wife would prepare a culinary masterpiece, then anxiously ask me “how much do you like it?”  I had no safe answer.

Until now. The Mormon Third Eye, deftly employing it’s crack staff of Tennessee extended family members, has compiled the world’s first standard for measuring attraction, using a revolutionary new scale- the Social Upward Performance Engagement Ratio, or S.U.P.E.R.

Here is how it works.

When you encounter something that provides a level of satisfaction worth measuring, equate to how much respect you would provide it in a social setting.  For example, if you just kind of like pistachio ice cream, you would describe it as “I would date pistachio ice cream.” If it was something you really liked, you could say “I would go steady with Breyer’s double fudge ice cream.” For extreme cases of thorough desire, like the relationship I have with my kindle, marriage would be appropriate.  In previous blogposts, I have already committed to marry my kindle, chocolate orangesticks, the large-screen projection television we used to have in our basement,and my wife’s chicken salad. 

Think about it. What would you marry if you could? Or date? Would you ask episodes of your favorite TV show to the prom? Would you invite chocolate fudge bars to your birthday party? Or would you just like it on facebook?  What about BYU Volleyball games?  I would go steady with BYU volleyball, but I doubt my wife would even be willing to be seen with it at the mall.  The possibilities are endless.

 Here is the list of descriptors my staff has compiled so far. Perhaps there are more. For now, they have all been approved for inclusion in S.U.P.E.R.:

Marry
Go steady          
Date
Ask to the prom
Go to the dance
Invite them to my birthday party 
Ask to dance
Like on facebook
Be seen with it at the mall
Give it random hugs
Compliment it
Play it in monopoly
Go on a double date
Hang out
Grocery shop
Meet the parents
Call it animal names


One last question- What do you think of this MTE blogpost? Please answer using S.U.P.E.R.

1 comment:

  1. Our son recently returned from a mission in Denmark. While there he ate a fair amount of pizza. (Decades earlier when I served in Norway pizza was a rare commodity.) However, Danish pizza fare was decidedly different than the kind of pizza our son had enjoyed in America.

    On one occasion when an investigator treated my son and his companion to pizza that had a few tiny bits of some kind of meat substance in the topping (along with corn and other interesting vegetative substances), a conversation ensued about how pizza restaurants have names for various entrees. When my son's companion asked the man what he would call this particular pizza, he replied that he would probably call it a meat lover's pizza.

    My stunned son wrote home that this man obviously had no idea what love was. He said that a more apt name for the dish would have been the "I met meat at a party once" pizza.

    By the way, I would at least like this post on Facebook. ;)

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