My Mormon Third Eye: I See... What I Deserve

Sunday, April 27, 2014

I See... What I Deserve

What do I deserve? My wife knows. Reference the following transcript:

WARNING: WHAT FOLLOWS IS A GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION OF MARITAL MAYHEM. IF YOU ARE AN INNOCENT HUSBAND, BE AFRAID- BE VERY AFRAID.

Wife (Surprised, like I had just strangled a kitten): Do you know what you just did!

Me (sheepishly confused): What! What did I do?

Wife (even more surprised that I have no idea what I have been accused of): You just wiped a handful of chocolate crumbs on our new couch!

Me (doing my best to act horrified that I have accidentally deposited microns of cookies crumbs on the arm of the couch, crumbs that are exactly the same color of the couch): Oh honey, I’m so sorry! I must have done it subconsciously, without even thinking…

Wife (cartoon-style red steam screaming out of both ears): You know what you deserve? You know what we’re going to do? We’re going to buy a ratty old recliner that you can pee and poop and barf and smear as much food as you want to on it, and I won’t care!

Me (shocked at my wife’s graphic description of how I would be permitted to treat any piece of furniture) Ummmm…..

Wife (with a twinkle in her eye and a crooked smile): Laughs cleverly.

The End.

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The Mormon Third Eye Quote of the Week

"As men of the priesthood, we have an essential role to play in society, at home, and in the Church. But we must be men that women can trust, that children can trust, and that God can trust. In the Church and kingdom of God in these latter days, we cannot afford to have boys and men who are drifting. We cannot afford young men who lack self-discipline and live only to be entertained. We cannot afford young adult men who are going nowhere in life, who are not serious about forming families and making a real contribution in this world. We cannot afford husbands and fathers who fail to provide spiritual leadership in the home."

Elder D. Todd Christofferson
Priesthood Session Conference, October 2012

Why My Mormon Third Eye?

When I politely excused myself in the middle of dinner to make a bathroom stop, how did Mom know that I had uneaten peas in my pocket to flush down the toilet? When I came home late from a youth dance and slid quietly into bed to avoid waking parental units, how did Dad know, without looking at the car, that I smashed in the front bumper? When I watch my daughter play a video game, how do I know that she's not ready for her Geometry final?

Its the Third Eye. The notorious eye in the back of the head, the extra view of life that God blesses parents striving to do the right thing so they can see more of life than the children they chase after.

Our third eye also permits us to see things and feel emotions that are too refined, too far on the edge of our standard two-eyed peripheral vision to enjoy in its fullness. I've learned that I have a Mormon Third Eye; that is, as a life-long, fully-dedicated member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have unique perspective on how the doctrines of the gospel and the demands of my faith in them intersect every other part of my mortal existence to create the entertaining, self-deprecating kaleidoscope of my life.

So... for those of you bold and bored enough to read this far, every so often I'll be sharing here what my Mormon third eye sees. Third eyes are relatively huge; they see the humorous, the entertaining, the embarrassing, the beautiful, the inspirational, and even the moral and political; however, they tend to ignore the evil, depressing and destructive: there is enough of that in world already!

The Four Secrets to Successful Living

Always Go Where There is Free Food - This includes ward and work parties, wedding receptions and missionary open houses; the money you spend to buy the ingredients for the world-famous triple chocolate cake you bring doesn’t count.
Never Pay Full Price for Anything – See my posts on Black Friday escapades for more information on this.
Never, Ever Press the Red Button - Usually, if you are faced with a red button somewhere, don’t press it – it usually means trouble. For example, the red button launches the missiles. Do yourself a favor and don’t press it.
Any Problem You Face Can Be Solved With Bungee Cords and Duct Tape - Bungee cord and duct tape technology has saved many marriages and ward parties. I’m not just talking about problems with plumbing or keeping groceries from bouncing around the trunk; I know of relationship and family issues that have been solved with creative applications of these two substances.