Sunday, April 14, 2013

I See… How to Disembowel a Really Bad Joke


WARNING- THIS IS REALLY POWERFUL MEDICINE! DO NOT APPLY IT TO MATTERS THAT MATTER!

There are very few things worse in life than a really bad joke.  My wife knows this well- she married one. Hmmm… Anyway, at that critical moment, when an extremely clever remark designed to inspire gut-busting laughter is needed, you are instead exposed to a pun so corny and lame it would disappoint even a pack of wild cub scouts.  It is such a bad joke that your conscience demands you do something about it.  But what?

WARNING- THIS WAS WRITTEN ON A PLANE. SOME OF MY BEST MATERIAL WAS WRITTEN ON A PLANE!

The Mormon Third Eye, possessing a superhumanly keen sense of hilarity and natural humor beyond the capabilities of normal Neanderthal man, is also deeply offended by a bad joke, and hence has launched extensive painstaking social networking research focusing on the problem. We are happy to announce that right here, for the first time in the history of the Internet, we have the answer- an answer so seductively simple, that it is no wonder that centuries of court jesters, tavern owners, and politicians looked beyond the mark in seeking a solution. 

WARNING- THIS IS SIMPLE. READ SLOWLY OR YOU’LL MISS IT!

The key to disemboweling a really bad joke – cutting its insides out and rendering it useless for future unsuspecting generations, is to first gently, but boldly with a feigned sense of ignorance, invoke a deathly determined pause, pretentiously stroke your chin and think in imaginary air as if you are pondering a point of universal significance, then quizzically but thoughtfully respond with a probing question- “ummmm wait a moment… that was a joke, wasn’t it?”

WARNING-  ARE YOU IRRITATED YET? THIS POST BY FAR HAS MORE WARNINGS THAN ANY OTHER POST!

Go ahead.  Try it on someone. But be careful.  You’ll find that in almost every case, it is the comedy world’s version of a stun gun.  Searing truth is the mortal enemy of a bad joke. The bearer of the joke will freeze in panic for an eternal moment like a deer in the headlights, then inevitably slink away into the back of the cultural hall. You probably won’t talk to him/her for the rest of the ward party, and she/he better not be your visiting or home teacher, because they won’t be visiting you for a while.

WARNING- THERE ARE NO MORE WARNINGS!

You may think this approach is harsh and heartless. Maybe it is. But just like amoral evil or maniacal dictators bent on world domination or destruction, if you don’t stand up to bad jokes, the memory of its immense ineptitude will consume your conscious days and subconscious nights, and perhaps even force you to watch early morning consecutive I Love Lucy reruns as a desperate attempt to cleanse and reset your humor palate.  Your only hope may be the resurrection, where you may rise with a perfect mind and body that doesn’t remember the exchange.

Good luck!

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