My Mormon Third Eye: I See… How to Disembowel a Really Bad Joke

Sunday, April 14, 2013

I See… How to Disembowel a Really Bad Joke

WARNING- THIS IS REALLY POWERFUL MEDICINE! DO NOT APPLY IT TO MATTERS THAT MATTER!

There are very few things worse in life than a really bad joke. My wife knows this well- she married one. Hmmm… Anyway, at that critical moment, when an extremely clever remark designed to inspire gut-busting laughter is needed, you are instead exposed to a pun so corny and lame it would disappoint even a pack of wild cub scouts. It is such a bad joke that your conscience demands you do something about it. But what?

WARNING- THIS WAS WRITTEN ON A PLANE. SOME OF MY BEST MATERIAL WAS WRITTEN ON A PLANE!

The Mormon Third Eye, possessing a superhumanly keen sense of hilarity and natural humor beyond the capabilities of normal Neanderthal man, is also deeply offended by a bad joke, and hence has launched extensive painstaking social networking research focusing on the problem. We are happy to announce that right here, for the first time in the history of the Internet, we have the answer- an answer so seductively simple, that it is no wonder that centuries of court jesters, tavern owners, and politicians looked beyond the mark in seeking a solution.

WARNING- THIS IS SIMPLE. READ SLOWLY OR YOU’LL MISS IT!

The key to disemboweling a really bad joke – cutting its insides out and rendering it useless for future unsuspecting generations, is to first gently, but boldly with a feigned sense of ignorance, invoke a deathly determined pause, pretentiously stroke your chin and think in imaginary air as if you are pondering a point of universal significance, then quizzically but thoughtfully respond with a probing question- “ummmm wait a moment… that was a joke, wasn’t it?”

WARNING- ARE YOU IRRITATED YET? THIS POST BY FAR HAS MORE WARNINGS THAN ANY OTHER POST!

Go ahead. Try it on someone. But be careful. You’ll find that in almost every case, it is the comedy world’s version of a stun gun. Searing truth is the mortal enemy of a bad joke. The bearer of the joke will freeze in panic for an eternal moment like a deer in the headlights, then inevitably slink away into the back of the cultural hall. You probably won’t talk to him/her for the rest of the ward party, and she/he better not be your visiting or home teacher, because they won’t be visiting you for a while.

WARNING- THERE ARE NO MORE WARNINGS!

You may think this approach is harsh and heartless. Maybe it is. But just like amoral evil or maniacal dictators bent on world domination or destruction, if you don’t stand up to bad jokes, the memory of its immense ineptitude will consume your conscious days and subconscious nights, and perhaps even force you to watch early morning consecutive I Love Lucy reruns as a desperate attempt to cleanse and reset your humor palate. Your only hope may be the resurrection, where you may rise with a perfect mind and body that doesn’t remember the exchange.

Good luck!

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The Mormon Third Eye Quote of the Week

"As men of the priesthood, we have an essential role to play in society, at home, and in the Church. But we must be men that women can trust, that children can trust, and that God can trust. In the Church and kingdom of God in these latter days, we cannot afford to have boys and men who are drifting. We cannot afford young men who lack self-discipline and live only to be entertained. We cannot afford young adult men who are going nowhere in life, who are not serious about forming families and making a real contribution in this world. We cannot afford husbands and fathers who fail to provide spiritual leadership in the home."

Elder D. Todd Christofferson
Priesthood Session Conference, October 2012

Why My Mormon Third Eye?

When I politely excused myself in the middle of dinner to make a bathroom stop, how did Mom know that I had uneaten peas in my pocket to flush down the toilet? When I came home late from a youth dance and slid quietly into bed to avoid waking parental units, how did Dad know, without looking at the car, that I smashed in the front bumper? When I watch my daughter play a video game, how do I know that she's not ready for her Geometry final?

Its the Third Eye. The notorious eye in the back of the head, the extra view of life that God blesses parents striving to do the right thing so they can see more of life than the children they chase after.

Our third eye also permits us to see things and feel emotions that are too refined, too far on the edge of our standard two-eyed peripheral vision to enjoy in its fullness. I've learned that I have a Mormon Third Eye; that is, as a life-long, fully-dedicated member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have unique perspective on how the doctrines of the gospel and the demands of my faith in them intersect every other part of my mortal existence to create the entertaining, self-deprecating kaleidoscope of my life.

So... for those of you bold and bored enough to read this far, every so often I'll be sharing here what my Mormon third eye sees. Third eyes are relatively huge; they see the humorous, the entertaining, the embarrassing, the beautiful, the inspirational, and even the moral and political; however, they tend to ignore the evil, depressing and destructive: there is enough of that in world already!

The Four Secrets to Successful Living

Always Go Where There is Free Food - This includes ward and work parties, wedding receptions and missionary open houses; the money you spend to buy the ingredients for the world-famous triple chocolate cake you bring doesn’t count.
Never Pay Full Price for Anything – See my posts on Black Friday escapades for more information on this.
Never, Ever Press the Red Button - Usually, if you are faced with a red button somewhere, don’t press it – it usually means trouble. For example, the red button launches the missiles. Do yourself a favor and don’t press it.
Any Problem You Face Can Be Solved With Bungee Cords and Duct Tape - Bungee cord and duct tape technology has saved many marriages and ward parties. I’m not just talking about problems with plumbing or keeping groceries from bouncing around the trunk; I know of relationship and family issues that have been solved with creative applications of these two substances.