My Mormon Third Eye: I See… Why I am so Incredibly Nice to People

Sunday, January 20, 2013

I See… Why I am so Incredibly Nice to People

I get this question a lot, and frankly, I’m tired of it. I’ve decided to use the massive global reach of the Mormon Third Eye to provide an answer for everyone.

Why am I so incredibly nice to people? Is it my innate humility, Christ-like demeanor, or naturally selfless personality that prompts me to treat my fellow man with more reverence, honor, and respect than they might deserve?

I wish. Imagine all the blessings that would be mine if I followed the advice of King Benjamin in the Book of Mormon and considered serving others as serving the Savior himself…

I wish that my motives were that altruistic. However, when I’m being nice to people, I’m actually thinking about my future. The prime motivation behind my seemingly Christ-like treatment of others is… retirement.

OK. This is how it works. I am one of millions of inconsequential federal desk jockeys who will never enjoy great wealth, even in my advanced years. I’m going to have to rely on the kindness and largesse of others to survive life comfortably. I also believe deeply, perhaps too deeply, in the gospel concept of “do unto others as they would do unto you.” Hence, I believe in investing in my fellowman. That is, I assume a calculated risk that if I am nice to people when they are poor, they are more likely to reward me when they become wealthy. In fact, I am counting on it. I only need a couple of young promising families I’ve met over the decades to create the next electric pop-up toaster or Facebook in order to secure a monetarily care free life in my golden years. It is a simple but somewhat risky strategy, and I’m hoping it works.

The assumed risk comes in choosing the right people to be nice to. I purposefully try to select young men, women and couples who seem to show some degree of promise of earning potential in the coming years and decades. That can be difficult to determine, however, and I’m definitely not a gambler, so I try to cover all my bases by being nice to everyone, even if they treat me poorly. You never know who will make it big.

So, the next time we meet, and I treat you will the utmost kindness and respect, please remember that you owe me, but I probably won’t try to cash in for at least another ten years. Furthermore, if I met you 20-30 years ago, when I consciously determined to adopt this strategy, please remember that I haven’t forgotten about you- I’m just waiting for the right time to seek a wise return on my investment.

Oh… and if you are one of the few that I’ve ignored or treated poorly over the years, don’t take it personally- it’s not a reflection of your character, just your earning potential!

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The Mormon Third Eye Quote of the Week

"As men of the priesthood, we have an essential role to play in society, at home, and in the Church. But we must be men that women can trust, that children can trust, and that God can trust. In the Church and kingdom of God in these latter days, we cannot afford to have boys and men who are drifting. We cannot afford young men who lack self-discipline and live only to be entertained. We cannot afford young adult men who are going nowhere in life, who are not serious about forming families and making a real contribution in this world. We cannot afford husbands and fathers who fail to provide spiritual leadership in the home."

Elder D. Todd Christofferson
Priesthood Session Conference, October 2012

Why My Mormon Third Eye?

When I politely excused myself in the middle of dinner to make a bathroom stop, how did Mom know that I had uneaten peas in my pocket to flush down the toilet? When I came home late from a youth dance and slid quietly into bed to avoid waking parental units, how did Dad know, without looking at the car, that I smashed in the front bumper? When I watch my daughter play a video game, how do I know that she's not ready for her Geometry final?

Its the Third Eye. The notorious eye in the back of the head, the extra view of life that God blesses parents striving to do the right thing so they can see more of life than the children they chase after.

Our third eye also permits us to see things and feel emotions that are too refined, too far on the edge of our standard two-eyed peripheral vision to enjoy in its fullness. I've learned that I have a Mormon Third Eye; that is, as a life-long, fully-dedicated member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have unique perspective on how the doctrines of the gospel and the demands of my faith in them intersect every other part of my mortal existence to create the entertaining, self-deprecating kaleidoscope of my life.

So... for those of you bold and bored enough to read this far, every so often I'll be sharing here what my Mormon third eye sees. Third eyes are relatively huge; they see the humorous, the entertaining, the embarrassing, the beautiful, the inspirational, and even the moral and political; however, they tend to ignore the evil, depressing and destructive: there is enough of that in world already!

The Four Secrets to Successful Living

Always Go Where There is Free Food - This includes ward and work parties, wedding receptions and missionary open houses; the money you spend to buy the ingredients for the world-famous triple chocolate cake you bring doesn’t count.
Never Pay Full Price for Anything – See my posts on Black Friday escapades for more information on this.
Never, Ever Press the Red Button - Usually, if you are faced with a red button somewhere, don’t press it – it usually means trouble. For example, the red button launches the missiles. Do yourself a favor and don’t press it.
Any Problem You Face Can Be Solved With Bungee Cords and Duct Tape - Bungee cord and duct tape technology has saved many marriages and ward parties. I’m not just talking about problems with plumbing or keeping groceries from bouncing around the trunk; I know of relationship and family issues that have been solved with creative applications of these two substances.