Sunday, July 8, 2012

I See… The Best Compliment You Could Ever Pay Your Wife


WARNING: THIS POST PANDERS TO OUR RELIEF SOCIETY SISTERS

The Mormon Third Eye prides itself in providing readers with the most timely and actionable marriage relationship advice.  Everyone deserves compliments; especially our wives, who work so hard at creating homes where the spirit can dwell and raising righteous children who will someday rule the world. When I was trolling BYU for a worthy wife, the classic Johnny Lingo compliment was popular- “I married an eight-cow woman!”  Times have changed however, and the Mormon culture slang for praising your wife must change with it. Since the Mormon Third Eye has always pushed the envelope of the most modern Mormon mantra, I now recommend that if your wife is LDS and a student of Book of Mormon culture, she might appreciate you romantically cuddling up to her on a special evening, after the kids are off to bed or the stake youth activity, then gently whispering into her good ear the following: “sweetie, I love you! You are such a… Lamanite!”

That’s right! You heard it first here.  Tell your wife she’s a Lamanite. Why? Because careful study of the Book of Mormon reveals that Lamanite women (I’m using “Lamanite” in the general sense of any ancestor of Lehi and Sariah) were 1) wholly dedicated to their families and 2) smokin’ hot beautiful.

Wholly Dedicated to Their Families

A cursory, surface review of Lamanite women in the Book of Mormon reveals that it is hard to find them without their children.  I don’t want overwhelm you, just impress you with the following statistic: of the 53 references to “wives” in the Book of Mormon, 39+ of them include their children-“wives and their children,” “wives and children,”  etc. Superficial proximity theory concludes that there is justification for this pattern- Lamanite wives hang out with their children a lot in the Book of Mormon because they are wholly dedicated to their children.  Throw in the well-known sons of Helaman who credit their moms for their courage and bravery as another data point, and the only conclusion we can draw from this evidence is that Lamanite women know what is truly important in life-  raising warriors destined to destroy evil forces and save the world.

Smokin’ Hot Beautiful

There are multiple examples in the Book of Mormon where the beauty of Lamanite women and other unspecified powers of persuasion attributed to them were impressive enough to stop wars and delay invasions. Consider for a moment the strategy employed by Limhi’s crew in the land of Nephi to stop invading Lamanite hordes:

“And it came to pass that those who tarried with their wives and their children caused that their fair daughters should stand forth and plead with the Lamanites that they would not slay them. And it came to pass that the Lamanites had compassion on them, for they were charmed with the beauty of their women. Therefore the Lamanites did spare their lives…” (Mosiah 19:13-15)

Amulon, who BTW was a wicked priest of King Noah, was successful implementing a similar strategy:

“And it came to pass that Amulon did plead with the Lamanites; and he also sent forth their wives, who were the daughters of the Lamanites, to plead with their brethren, that they should not destroy their husbands. And the Lamanites had compassion on Amulon and his brethren, and did not destroy them, because of their wives.” (Mosiah 23:33-34).

My wife is a Lamanite!

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