Sunday, June 17, 2012

I See... Introducing the Mormon Third Eye Channel!

The LDS Church for the past few years has been wildly successful harnessing the persuasive power of superficially evil mass media to share the gospel message and provide quality programming for testimony-laden members of all ages and lifestyles. Whether it’s the Mormon Channel,  BYUtv, or even just  the Mormon Youtube channel,  the church is all over the media landscape.  Since MTE closely follows and often is inspired by how God works through his chosen servants to spread the gospel message, I’ve decided to launch my own media empire- introducing the Mormon Third Eye Channel!

Just like the big church Salt Lake uses various media tools to project specific messages, I’ve decided that the new MTE channel will specialize in transforming traditional gentile programming into entertainment laced with Mormon culture and more appropriate for the average ward member.  The MTE staff is soliciting clever, innovative, and humorous ideas  for programming.  So far, we have approved the following productions, pending financing:

Say Yes to the Stress (Say Yes to the Dress):  Mark, Alice and their eight children have moved to a new town for a new job and have started to attend their new ward. Suddenly, Mark has been called to serve as the new Bishop!  How will Alice handle it?  Will she say yes to the stress?

Undercover GA (Undercover Boss):  A noted General Authority dresses down for a Sunday and visits a random ward disguised as a less-active member attending church for the first time in ten years.  Let’s see how he is treated!

Two-and-a-half Missionaries (Three-and-a-half Men):   Two deeply dedicated missionaries in Ghana are inexplicably teamed with a third elder who somehow survived mission preparation courses, priesthood interviews, and the MTC without a testimony and a conscience. A sure fire recipe for conflict and hilarity.

Provo ! (Dallas):  Follow the backstabbing, luxurious lifestyles, and seemingly dedicated religiousity of the sprawling and powerful Hunsaker and Cowley families, who have ruled  as competing real estate moguls and vicious slumlords of the Provo metropolis for over 50 years, building their vast fortunes on the backs of married and single BYU and UVU  students!  The first episode:  Jack, a descendant of great-grand-daddy Hunsaker’s fourth wife, dates seductive Sara Cowley and reveals the family’s secret plan to build sub-standard student housing, then charge double rent to participants an underground BYU study group questioning the origin of the Honor Code.

The Adam-God Theory (The Big Bang Theory): Follow the humorous exploits of three gospel nerds from Utah rooming with the incredibly handsome Adam, a new convert from Malawi, at BYU-Idaho. Will they survive school and each other? Who will date them and why?

Ward Hunters (House Hunters):  LDS real estate agents visit three competing wards on the same Sunday with families shopping for the perfect congregation before they settle on a house to purchase.  First episode: The Hanson family, populated with five teenagers, is looking for a ward with a large youth program and a charismatic early-morning seminary teacher, but is disappointed with a church building sporting a carpeted gym.  Must the athletic Hanson boys have a wooden floor for basketball?

So You Think You Can Home Teach? (So You Think You Can Dance?):  Teams of dedicated home teachers are sent to visit the most hardcore less-active members.  This episode:  Brother Magleby told the bishop years ago that he wants nothing to do with the church;  now he waits in a rocker on his front  porch with a shotgun on his lap to greet the next set of unsuspecting assigned home teachers. Will they be able to soften his heart with their genuine concern for his soul? You’ll be surprised!

Nursery Wars (Storage Wars):  Struggling parents compete to cut the apron strings for 100 minutes and get their three-year old wonders acclimatized to nursery.  Next week’s episode:  Mom  Marcus in Mesa gets her little Joey to stay in nursery by playing a short game of “guess what’s on top of my head?”

Bishop Wives (Army Wives):  Wives of bishops in the St. George 12th Stake commiserate together over the challenges and blessings of serving as pseudo-single moms while their husbands supervise entire wards.  First episode:   Elizabeth’s husband has three funerals on one Saturday, but the kids have soccer finals.  Also, it’s 1:00 am and Lorie’s husband hasn’t come home from bishopric meeting yet.

Survivor  (Survivor): Thriiling, accurate, and inspirational re-enactments of pioneer families.  The joys, challenges, and sorrows of crossing the plains with handcarts and 47 pounds of food.

What Not to Wear (What Not to Wear):  Style-conscious members of the General Young Women’s Board  make impromptu visits to young women across the church and inspire them to modify their wardrobes in line with church standards. This week’s episode: high school graduate Megan will be attending Releif Society for the first time, and will get some help replacing her flip-flop collection.


  1. Inspirational programming indeed (my personal favorite being the Adam-God Theory)... But to be quite honest, I was really looking forward to yesterday's promised posting "I See... the Yes Dear portion of a Man's Brain"!

    1. OK fine you've pressured me into submission... hang on for next Sunday!