Sunday, January 22, 2012

I See... The First Ever Mormon Third Eye Football Quiz!

The Mormon Third Eye is constantly striving to explore new territory in bringing new perspectives to the LDS experience. It has also decided to bow to peer pressure from those who worship on the altar of sports every January and February and discuss the religious aspects of football during the Super Bowl season.

WARNING: THIS QUIZ REQUIRES YOU TO MAKE SNAP JUDGEMENTS BASED ON OVERWORKED SIMPLIFIED STEREOTYPES; IN REALITY, LIFE IS MUCH MORE COMPLEX.

Here is how it works. I've included below short background descriptions of five different fictional active members of the Zarahemla Last Ward. The only thing they have in common is that they hold temple recommends, they love football, and it's Super Bowl Sunday. This is a two-part quiz question. After reading the descriptions, I'd like you to tell me:

1. Which members will make it to the Celestial Kingdom?

2. Who's going in first?

Okay. Here we go:

1) Bishop Jones sitting on the stand surveys an unusually sparse congregation below. He is deeply worried. So many families need the spiritual food offered by the sacrament and inspired instruction via talks and lessons. He ponders what can be done to encourage more members to attend. He also looks forward to a phone call from his adult son this afternoon between interviews, who will tell him the final score of today's Super Bowl.

2) First Counselor Jones, sitting on the right hand of Bishop Jones, is not worried; he's disgusted! He is certain that many families have decided to stay home and watch the Super Bowl. He has determined that they are all vile sinners who will suffer the wrath of God for their utter hypocrisy. He, on the other hand, is as holy as they come. He sincerely hopes that someday, these families will repent and rise to his level of righteousness. He plans on staying up until 12:01 Monday morning to watch a recorded version of the game.

3) Elder's Quorum President Jones is morally conflicted. He has always enjoyed Sunday worship services, even on those rare occasions when both of his counselors fail to show and he is left with the burden of leadership, like today. However, his third love, right after the gospel and his family, is football, and his team is playing in the Super Bowl at this very moment. What would the Lord think about him watching parts of the game on his muted smart phone during sacrament meeting?

4) Primary teacher Brother Jones really doesn't want to be at church today; he'd rather be home watching the game. However, the Sunbeams need him, and he is afraid that the Bishopric will judge him as a sinner and/or a hypocrite if he doesn't show, so he came anyway. His plan is to mercilessly pinch baby Jones into window-rattling screams during the youth talk on keeping the Sabbath day holy, at which point he gallantly volunteers to take her out to the lobby and watch the game on his smart phone.

5) Sister Jones could care less about the Super Bowl, but she does love her non-member husband and strives to maintain a delicate balance between the demands of church obligations and her marriage. That is why she found a substitute for the nursery so that she could humor her husband's wishes that she stay home just this once and keep vats of chicken wings and pita chips filled for the guests attending his Super Bowl party.

1 comment:

  1. Now to decide which one fits my husband best...ha ha...today's big game starts during our sacrament meeting. Jim swears he is not checking the score on his phone and is going to do his best to keep from knowing the score until he watches it later via the dvr. We'll see how it goes...

    ReplyDelete