My Mormon Third Eye: I See... How to Choose a Good Movie

Sunday, October 16, 2011

I See... How to Choose a Good Movie

Choosing appropriate entertainment has always been challenging for LDS families. But what if there was a scientific foolproof method for determining if a movie was worth watching? You can thank the Mormon Third Eye for the extensive, painstaking research that went into simplifying the decision-making matrix for choosing a quality flick. The bottom line is that by automatically eliminating all movies rated PG-13 and above from available choices, there is an 81% probability that the movie you do end up watching will not suck.

Here's how it works. According to seasoned professional movie critic Roger Ebert, there are two types of movies: movies that suck, and movies that don't suck. In his classic work reviewing movies that suck, cleverly titled, “Your Movie Sucks,” Ebert provides short, engaging synopses of the worst movies in modern cinematic history. These are the films you want to avoid; the films you couldn't be paid to see; the films that make you a worse person for watching them. These are the films that rob you of precious time you could be spending otherwise engaged in a poorly performed root canal or watching veggie tales reruns with your young ones.

The Mormon Third Eye crack research staff (that would be me) recently completed an exhaustive analysis of the movies reviewed in Ebert's book. The shocking results- 81% of the films that suck are rated PG-13, R, NC-17, or X. What makes this undeniable fact even more amazing is that the determination was made by a famous, seasoned reviewer who definitely does not adhere to LDS standards of moral decency in his assessment of what is good and bad. Unlike traditional LDS value leaders, Mr. Ebert contends that there is redeeming entertainment value in meaningful placement of gratuitous sex, violence, and obscene language. In fact, according to the Mormon Third Eye's own elite, discriminating standards of cinematic excellence, the only film Ebert mislabelled was the 2000 cult children's classic “Snow Day,” a comical expose on

incongruous children striving to make the best of the great gift they have been given - a day off of school.

So, LDS readers, you are no longer required to waste precious brain cells agonizing over tough decisions about what to watch on the wide screen. All you need to know is the content rating. Actually, I've reduced the process down to a simple mathematical formula: PG or G = quality cinema; PG-13 or R = movie that sucks.

Apply the formula. Make the choice.

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The Mormon Third Eye Quote of the Week

"As men of the priesthood, we have an essential role to play in society, at home, and in the Church. But we must be men that women can trust, that children can trust, and that God can trust. In the Church and kingdom of God in these latter days, we cannot afford to have boys and men who are drifting. We cannot afford young men who lack self-discipline and live only to be entertained. We cannot afford young adult men who are going nowhere in life, who are not serious about forming families and making a real contribution in this world. We cannot afford husbands and fathers who fail to provide spiritual leadership in the home."

Elder D. Todd Christofferson
Priesthood Session Conference, October 2012

Why My Mormon Third Eye?

When I politely excused myself in the middle of dinner to make a bathroom stop, how did Mom know that I had uneaten peas in my pocket to flush down the toilet? When I came home late from a youth dance and slid quietly into bed to avoid waking parental units, how did Dad know, without looking at the car, that I smashed in the front bumper? When I watch my daughter play a video game, how do I know that she's not ready for her Geometry final?

Its the Third Eye. The notorious eye in the back of the head, the extra view of life that God blesses parents striving to do the right thing so they can see more of life than the children they chase after.

Our third eye also permits us to see things and feel emotions that are too refined, too far on the edge of our standard two-eyed peripheral vision to enjoy in its fullness. I've learned that I have a Mormon Third Eye; that is, as a life-long, fully-dedicated member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have unique perspective on how the doctrines of the gospel and the demands of my faith in them intersect every other part of my mortal existence to create the entertaining, self-deprecating kaleidoscope of my life.

So... for those of you bold and bored enough to read this far, every so often I'll be sharing here what my Mormon third eye sees. Third eyes are relatively huge; they see the humorous, the entertaining, the embarrassing, the beautiful, the inspirational, and even the moral and political; however, they tend to ignore the evil, depressing and destructive: there is enough of that in world already!

The Four Secrets to Successful Living

Always Go Where There is Free Food - This includes ward and work parties, wedding receptions and missionary open houses; the money you spend to buy the ingredients for the world-famous triple chocolate cake you bring doesn’t count.
Never Pay Full Price for Anything – See my posts on Black Friday escapades for more information on this.
Never, Ever Press the Red Button - Usually, if you are faced with a red button somewhere, don’t press it – it usually means trouble. For example, the red button launches the missiles. Do yourself a favor and don’t press it.
Any Problem You Face Can Be Solved With Bungee Cords and Duct Tape - Bungee cord and duct tape technology has saved many marriages and ward parties. I’m not just talking about problems with plumbing or keeping groceries from bouncing around the trunk; I know of relationship and family issues that have been solved with creative applications of these two substances.