Sunday, October 16, 2011

I See... How to Choose a Good Movie

Choosing appropriate entertainment has always been challenging for LDS families. But what if there was a scientific foolproof method for determining if a movie was worth watching? You can thank the Mormon Third Eye for the extensive, painstaking research that went into simplifying the decision-making matrix for choosing a quality flick. The bottom line is that by automatically eliminating all movies rated PG-13 and above from available choices, there is an 81% probability that the movie you do end up watching will not suck.

Here's how it works. According to seasoned professional movie critic Roger Ebert, there are two types of movies: movies that suck, and movies that don't suck. In his classic work reviewing movies that suck, cleverly titled, “Your Movie Sucks,” Ebert provides short, engaging synopses of the worst movies in modern cinematic history. These are the films you want to avoid; the films you couldn't be paid to see; the films that make you a worse person for watching them. These are the films that rob you of precious time you could be spending otherwise engaged in a poorly performed root canal or watching veggie tales reruns with your young ones.

The Mormon Third Eye crack research staff (that would be me) recently completed an exhaustive analysis of the movies reviewed in Ebert's book. The shocking results- 81% of the films that suck are rated PG-13, R, NC-17, or X. What makes this undeniable fact even more amazing is that the determination was made by a famous, seasoned reviewer who definitely does not adhere to LDS standards of moral decency in his assessment of what is good and bad. Unlike traditional LDS value leaders, Mr. Ebert contends that there is redeeming entertainment value in meaningful placement of gratuitous sex, violence, and obscene language. In fact, according to the Mormon Third Eye's own elite, discriminating standards of cinematic excellence, the only film Ebert mislabelled was the 2000 cult children's classic “Snow Day,” a comical expose on

incongruous children striving to make the best of the great gift they have been given - a day off of school.

So, LDS readers, you are no longer required to waste precious brain cells agonizing over tough decisions about what to watch on the wide screen. All you need to know is the content rating. Actually, I've reduced the process down to a simple mathematical formula: PG or G = quality cinema; PG-13 or R = movie that sucks.

Apply the formula. Make the choice.

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