My Mormon Third Eye: I See... a Colonoscopic Christmas

Sunday, November 21, 2010

I See... a Colonoscopic Christmas

Our family is giving Christmas a colonoscopy this year. Say what? Before I tell you that story, and I have to tell you this story.

This Story

I decided to give my wife a colonoscopy for Christmas. Er, I mean, give her MY colonoscopy, That is, my wife wants me to hang around for a long time, and all the experts agree that after you enter the second half of your earthly existence, one of the best ways to live as long as God has meant you to live is to have a colonoscopy done every ten years. During this procedure, a trained professional slips a colonoscope through your colon and inspects it detail to detect and remove cancerous polyps before they can develop into fully-formed, life-threatening tumors. Before the procedure, however, patients must imbibe massive amounts of laxatives to clear the colon of unwanted debris that obstructs the colonoscope view. The gift of life.

That Story

Our family Christmas traditions are in danger. We fear that our worship of the Savior during this season is being threatened by the twin cancers of commercialism and tired commitments to formatted activities that merely masquerade as a reminder of the Savior's birth. We hope to breathe life back into our Christmas season by subjecting it to a colonoscopy.

To prepare for procedure, we plan on cleansing our Christmas by flooding it with massive amounts of scripture and service; hopefully this will rid it of unwanted worries about shopping, gifts, and other red-and-green activities distracting us from the true meaning of the Savior's miraculous birth, life, death, and resurrection. Then we will inspect our Christmas in excruciating detail, looking to identify any cancerous commitments and activities that threaten to take over our worship of Christ during December, then have them permanently resected.

So, will there be Christmas cards this year? The traditional family newsletter? The big annual Christmas eve bash? Glittering gifts underneath a perfectly decorated tree? I'm not sure. We'll just have to wait and see the results of the Christmas colonoscopy before we move forward.

2 comments:

DeonNovember 22, 2010 at 11:24 PM
Weird, just weird. Yet, good points, hubby.
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AnonymousNovember 29, 2010 at 2:48 AM
after the open heart surgery earlier this year,i'm greatful for my life,i'm not gonna play around with this,i'm gone for the scope for life
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The Mormon Third Eye Quote of the Week

"As men of the priesthood, we have an essential role to play in society, at home, and in the Church. But we must be men that women can trust, that children can trust, and that God can trust. In the Church and kingdom of God in these latter days, we cannot afford to have boys and men who are drifting. We cannot afford young men who lack self-discipline and live only to be entertained. We cannot afford young adult men who are going nowhere in life, who are not serious about forming families and making a real contribution in this world. We cannot afford husbands and fathers who fail to provide spiritual leadership in the home."

Elder D. Todd Christofferson
Priesthood Session Conference, October 2012

Why My Mormon Third Eye?

When I politely excused myself in the middle of dinner to make a bathroom stop, how did Mom know that I had uneaten peas in my pocket to flush down the toilet? When I came home late from a youth dance and slid quietly into bed to avoid waking parental units, how did Dad know, without looking at the car, that I smashed in the front bumper? When I watch my daughter play a video game, how do I know that she's not ready for her Geometry final?

Its the Third Eye. The notorious eye in the back of the head, the extra view of life that God blesses parents striving to do the right thing so they can see more of life than the children they chase after.

Our third eye also permits us to see things and feel emotions that are too refined, too far on the edge of our standard two-eyed peripheral vision to enjoy in its fullness. I've learned that I have a Mormon Third Eye; that is, as a life-long, fully-dedicated member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have unique perspective on how the doctrines of the gospel and the demands of my faith in them intersect every other part of my mortal existence to create the entertaining, self-deprecating kaleidoscope of my life.

So... for those of you bold and bored enough to read this far, every so often I'll be sharing here what my Mormon third eye sees. Third eyes are relatively huge; they see the humorous, the entertaining, the embarrassing, the beautiful, the inspirational, and even the moral and political; however, they tend to ignore the evil, depressing and destructive: there is enough of that in world already!

The Four Secrets to Successful Living

Always Go Where There is Free Food - This includes ward and work parties, wedding receptions and missionary open houses; the money you spend to buy the ingredients for the world-famous triple chocolate cake you bring doesn’t count.
Never Pay Full Price for Anything – See my posts on Black Friday escapades for more information on this.
Never, Ever Press the Red Button - Usually, if you are faced with a red button somewhere, don’t press it – it usually means trouble. For example, the red button launches the missiles. Do yourself a favor and don’t press it.
Any Problem You Face Can Be Solved With Bungee Cords and Duct Tape - Bungee cord and duct tape technology has saved many marriages and ward parties. I’m not just talking about problems with plumbing or keeping groceries from bouncing around the trunk; I know of relationship and family issues that have been solved with creative applications of these two substances.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

I See... a Colonoscopic Christmas

2 comments:

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