Our family is giving Christmas a colonoscopy this year. Say what? Before I tell you that story, and I have to tell you this story.
I decided to give my wife a colonoscopy for Christmas. Er, I mean, give her MY colonoscopy, That is, my wife wants me to hang around for a long time, and all the experts agree that after you enter the second half of your earthly existence, one of the best ways to live as long as God has meant you to live is to have a colonoscopy done every ten years. During this procedure, a trained professional slips a colonoscope through your colon and inspects it detail to detect and remove cancerous polyps before they can develop into fully-formed, life-threatening tumors. Before the procedure, however, patients must imbibe massive amounts of laxatives to clear the colon of unwanted debris that obstructs the colonoscope view. The gift of life.
Our family Christmas traditions are in danger. We fear that our worship of the Savior during this season is being threatened by the twin cancers of commercialism and tired commitments to formatted activities that merely masquerade as a reminder of the Savior's birth. We hope to breathe life back into our Christmas season by subjecting it to a colonoscopy.
To prepare for procedure, we plan on cleansing our Christmas by flooding it with massive amounts of scripture and service; hopefully this will rid it of unwanted worries about shopping, gifts, and other red-and-green activities distracting us from the true meaning of the Savior's miraculous birth, life, death, and resurrection. Then we will inspect our Christmas in excruciating detail, looking to identify any cancerous commitments and activities that threaten to take over our worship of Christ during December, then have them permanently resected.
So, will there be Christmas cards this year? The traditional family newsletter? The big annual Christmas eve bash? Glittering gifts underneath a perfectly decorated tree? I'm not sure. We'll just have to wait and see the results of the Christmas colonoscopy before we move forward.