My Mormon Third Eye: I See... The Best Missionary Joke

Sunday, February 28, 2010

I See... The Best Missionary Joke

The Mormon Third Eye specializes in cutting-edge humor that can make you think seriously about yourself for a moment. Ever since the controversial but wildly popular Best Anti-Mormon Joke was posted over two years ago (according to Google Analytics, it is by far the most popular Mormon Third Eye post EVER), the Mormon Third Eye has been scouring the known “humorverse” for another deeply entertaining story that could be construed by those keeping score as an appropriate counterweight. Every truly outstanding joke is like a series of mountainous burps after a great meal- they both provide excellent opportunities to enjoy over and over again the magic of the moment. Missionary Moms, get ready to memorize the following so you can later light the life of your son or daughter with a smile!

Two bold missionaries spent some time with the minister of another faith teaching him about the Book of Mormon. They challenged him with the same invitation extended to millions of God's children every year- “if you read this book and pray about it, God will reveal the truthfulness of it unto you.” To their surprise, the minister accepted the challenge.

One week later, the minister returned to his next meeting with the missionaries and confidently proclaimed, “Elders, I now know for a surety that the Book of Mormon is not the word of God.” The missionaries were both startled and intrigued by his response. He continued- “I asked God, 'if this book is the word of God, strike me down dead right here and now!' well, here I stand before you, alive and well, so I guess your Book of Mormon is not revelation.”

“But sir,” one quick-witted Elder responded, “perhaps the reason why you did not receive the answer you seek is that you didn't pray in faith...”

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The Mormon Third Eye Quote of the Week

"As men of the priesthood, we have an essential role to play in society, at home, and in the Church. But we must be men that women can trust, that children can trust, and that God can trust. In the Church and kingdom of God in these latter days, we cannot afford to have boys and men who are drifting. We cannot afford young men who lack self-discipline and live only to be entertained. We cannot afford young adult men who are going nowhere in life, who are not serious about forming families and making a real contribution in this world. We cannot afford husbands and fathers who fail to provide spiritual leadership in the home."

Elder D. Todd Christofferson
Priesthood Session Conference, October 2012

Why My Mormon Third Eye?

When I politely excused myself in the middle of dinner to make a bathroom stop, how did Mom know that I had uneaten peas in my pocket to flush down the toilet? When I came home late from a youth dance and slid quietly into bed to avoid waking parental units, how did Dad know, without looking at the car, that I smashed in the front bumper? When I watch my daughter play a video game, how do I know that she's not ready for her Geometry final?

Its the Third Eye. The notorious eye in the back of the head, the extra view of life that God blesses parents striving to do the right thing so they can see more of life than the children they chase after.

Our third eye also permits us to see things and feel emotions that are too refined, too far on the edge of our standard two-eyed peripheral vision to enjoy in its fullness. I've learned that I have a Mormon Third Eye; that is, as a life-long, fully-dedicated member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have unique perspective on how the doctrines of the gospel and the demands of my faith in them intersect every other part of my mortal existence to create the entertaining, self-deprecating kaleidoscope of my life.

So... for those of you bold and bored enough to read this far, every so often I'll be sharing here what my Mormon third eye sees. Third eyes are relatively huge; they see the humorous, the entertaining, the embarrassing, the beautiful, the inspirational, and even the moral and political; however, they tend to ignore the evil, depressing and destructive: there is enough of that in world already!

The Four Secrets to Successful Living

Always Go Where There is Free Food - This includes ward and work parties, wedding receptions and missionary open houses; the money you spend to buy the ingredients for the world-famous triple chocolate cake you bring doesn’t count.
Never Pay Full Price for Anything – See my posts on Black Friday escapades for more information on this.
Never, Ever Press the Red Button - Usually, if you are faced with a red button somewhere, don’t press it – it usually means trouble. For example, the red button launches the missiles. Do yourself a favor and don’t press it.
Any Problem You Face Can Be Solved With Bungee Cords and Duct Tape - Bungee cord and duct tape technology has saved many marriages and ward parties. I’m not just talking about problems with plumbing or keeping groceries from bouncing around the trunk; I know of relationship and family issues that have been solved with creative applications of these two substances.