Saturday, January 2, 2010

I See... Why University of Utah Will Never Be Utterly Destroyed

The compassionate BYU blue blood that courses through my veins obligates me to worry about things like arch-enemy University of Utah being utterly destroyed by columns of holy fire thrust down from the heavens. However, the fact that I graduated from BYU when the football team went undefeated as national champions decades ago makes it even more imperative that I stoke the rivalry fires with spirited claims of rampant wickedness permeating the U. I've learned thorough focused study of wicked cultures in the Old Testament and Book of Mormon (Sodom, Gomorrah, Ammonihah, etc) that evil locations that cannot be redeemed are utterly destroyed. This discovery had me deeply concerned about University of Utah.

It seems, however, that if there are even a few righteous people residing in an otherwise completely unrighteous city, it will be spared from complete destruction. It made me ponder for a moment: who are the handful of the holy preventing every single last bit of U of U from being wiped off the face of the earth forever? Are there a few closet BYU fans lurking about the campus? Maybe BYU graduate and football head coach Kyle Whittingham is keeping Eccles Stadium from burning from the ground. I've also heard that they have a pretty good Institute program, but with noted author/teacher/institute idol S. Michael Wilcox retiring, there may not be enough saving power left in that organization either. The bottom line: who or what will redeem University of Utah from ultimate undoing?

I was releived, therefore, when I read about the good work of the Huntsman Cancer Institute. A cancer institute founded and promoted by an extremely wealthy and successful man who intends to die broke; a place that serves hope and five-star meals to both patients and their families; a program that addresses all dimensions of a cancer patient's problems; and research that looks at patients not as victims but as survivors and opportunities. Wow.

I feel a lot better about University of Utah now. Although the Huntsman Cancer Institute lays only a small footprint on campus, enough good is being done there to save the rest of the students, faculty, alumni, and supporters, including the notoriously rowdy football fans. My concerns that the U's rampant unrighteousness would lead to its overt obliteration and snuff out a healthy entertaining rivalry with BYU have been alleviated. Victory and success are bred through opposition in all things.

However, I am still a little worried about the man-eating tiger let loose on the University of Utah campus that starved to death...


  1. Although not a regular reader, your blog title caught my eye and gave me a great deal of amusement and reading pleasure.

    As a fellow Cougar alum, I have no doubt that your post will almost certainly one day be enshrined in the "Bloggers Hall of Fame!"

    And at long last-the answer to the perennial question about the fate of the long-missing "man-eating" tiger up on the campus of the TUN.

    Thanks for the insights!

    Steve C.

  2. Thanks Steve! Spread the word. I think I've made a great discovery here that explains a lot about what goes on at the U... both the HCI and the dead man-eating tiger!