Sunday, December 20, 2009

I See... Santa Claus Coming to Town

Third Eye News (TEN)- Santa Claus came to town last week and sat down for a rare, frank interview with the Mormon Third Eye.

TEN: Thanks for taking time out of your very busy schedule for this interview.

Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! Thank you for inviting me young man!

TEN: Ommm... I just turned 50...

Santa: Son, when you have seen as much of life as I have, everyone is a young man. Anyway, my elves love reading your blog, and you've been a good boy this year, and this interview is all you wanted for Christmas, and I do operate beyond time and space, so...

TEN: Wait a minute! I also asked for world peace!

Santa: Oh yea... that... I'm working on that too...

TEN: Now for a series of hard-hitting questions. Can you confirm the rumor that you are bipolar?

Santa: I categorically deny that charge. I have not, currently am not, and will not ever open a workshop at the South Pole. We are totally committed to our North Pole operations.

TEN: What about charges that Chinese toy conglomerates, not your elves, are financing your workshop operations?

Santa: That is also a false, insidious rumor being perpetrated and disseminated by older boys and girls on the naughty list. All of my cold, hard cash is stored in snow banks at the North Pole. Our elves, just like the US Congress, use new math and approved magical processes to print all of our own money; in fact, during the off season, I let the elves moonlight for the Federal Reserve...

TEN: So... How does one really get on the naughty list?

Santa: Well... let's see... there are basically two ways to get your name on that list. For most people's behavior, we apply a very complex algebraic-pyschological formula and run it through a series of Cray Supercomputer mainframes. The results are then emailed to the sleigh's onboard guidance computer and the coordinates for each naughty person's home are automatically removed. Everything is done by computers nowadays.

TEN: Uhh... What about the other way?

Santa: Oh.. sorry, I forgot. When you get to be my age... just Attend University of Utah.

TEN: Everyone wants to know how you could visit the homes of billions of the world's children in one night? How is that possible?

Santa: Let me answer that question with a question. How is it possible for your US Government to run a universal health care program and reduce the federal deficit at the same time?

TEN: I don't understand...

Santa: Neither do I. Lets move on... OK?

TEN: Last question. This one is easy. You are the hero to billions of children. Who is your hero?

Santa: That's easy. My hero is my Savior, Jesus Christ. He is the reason for the season. He is God's gift to mankind. It is this gift- his life, death, and resurrection- that motivates me to anonymously represent all those who want to bring joy into the lives of children. You know that song, “I'm Trying to be Like Jesus?” Well, I'm trying to be like him.

TEN: Thanks for your time, Santa. Merry Christmas!

Santa: Merry Christmas to you! I've got to run now... I've got to get back to work on that world peace wish!

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