My Mormon Third Eye: I See... Santa Claus Coming to Town

Sunday, December 20, 2009

I See... Santa Claus Coming to Town

Third Eye News (TEN)- Santa Claus came to town last week and sat down for a rare, frank interview with the Mormon Third Eye.

TEN: Thanks for taking time out of your very busy schedule for this interview.

Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! Thank you for inviting me young man!

TEN: Ommm... I just turned 50...

Santa: Son, when you have seen as much of life as I have, everyone is a young man. Anyway, my elves love reading your blog, and you've been a good boy this year, and this interview is all you wanted for Christmas, and I do operate beyond time and space, so...

TEN: Wait a minute! I also asked for world peace!

Santa: Oh yea... that... I'm working on that too...

TEN: Now for a series of hard-hitting questions. Can you confirm the rumor that you are bipolar?

Santa: I categorically deny that charge. I have not, currently am not, and will not ever open a workshop at the South Pole. We are totally committed to our North Pole operations.

TEN: What about charges that Chinese toy conglomerates, not your elves, are financing your workshop operations?

Santa: That is also a false, insidious rumor being perpetrated and disseminated by older boys and girls on the naughty list. All of my cold, hard cash is stored in snow banks at the North Pole. Our elves, just like the US Congress, use new math and approved magical processes to print all of our own money; in fact, during the off season, I let the elves moonlight for the Federal Reserve...

TEN: So... How does one really get on the naughty list?

Santa: Well... let's see... there are basically two ways to get your name on that list. For most people's behavior, we apply a very complex algebraic-pyschological formula and run it through a series of Cray Supercomputer mainframes. The results are then emailed to the sleigh's onboard guidance computer and the coordinates for each naughty person's home are automatically removed. Everything is done by computers nowadays.

TEN: Uhh... What about the other way?

Santa: Oh.. sorry, I forgot. When you get to be my age... just Attend University of Utah.

TEN: Everyone wants to know how you could visit the homes of billions of the world's children in one night? How is that possible?

Santa: Let me answer that question with a question. How is it possible for your US Government to run a universal health care program and reduce the federal deficit at the same time?

TEN: I don't understand...

Santa: Neither do I. Lets move on... OK?

TEN: Last question. This one is easy. You are the hero to billions of children. Who is your hero?

Santa: That's easy. My hero is my Savior, Jesus Christ. He is the reason for the season. He is God's gift to mankind. It is this gift- his life, death, and resurrection- that motivates me to anonymously represent all those who want to bring joy into the lives of children. You know that song, “I'm Trying to be Like Jesus?” Well, I'm trying to be like him.

TEN: Thanks for your time, Santa. Merry Christmas!

Santa: Merry Christmas to you! I've got to run now... I've got to get back to work on that world peace wish!

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The Mormon Third Eye Quote of the Week

"As men of the priesthood, we have an essential role to play in society, at home, and in the Church. But we must be men that women can trust, that children can trust, and that God can trust. In the Church and kingdom of God in these latter days, we cannot afford to have boys and men who are drifting. We cannot afford young men who lack self-discipline and live only to be entertained. We cannot afford young adult men who are going nowhere in life, who are not serious about forming families and making a real contribution in this world. We cannot afford husbands and fathers who fail to provide spiritual leadership in the home."

Elder D. Todd Christofferson
Priesthood Session Conference, October 2012

Why My Mormon Third Eye?

When I politely excused myself in the middle of dinner to make a bathroom stop, how did Mom know that I had uneaten peas in my pocket to flush down the toilet? When I came home late from a youth dance and slid quietly into bed to avoid waking parental units, how did Dad know, without looking at the car, that I smashed in the front bumper? When I watch my daughter play a video game, how do I know that she's not ready for her Geometry final?

Its the Third Eye. The notorious eye in the back of the head, the extra view of life that God blesses parents striving to do the right thing so they can see more of life than the children they chase after.

Our third eye also permits us to see things and feel emotions that are too refined, too far on the edge of our standard two-eyed peripheral vision to enjoy in its fullness. I've learned that I have a Mormon Third Eye; that is, as a life-long, fully-dedicated member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have unique perspective on how the doctrines of the gospel and the demands of my faith in them intersect every other part of my mortal existence to create the entertaining, self-deprecating kaleidoscope of my life.

So... for those of you bold and bored enough to read this far, every so often I'll be sharing here what my Mormon third eye sees. Third eyes are relatively huge; they see the humorous, the entertaining, the embarrassing, the beautiful, the inspirational, and even the moral and political; however, they tend to ignore the evil, depressing and destructive: there is enough of that in world already!

The Four Secrets to Successful Living

Always Go Where There is Free Food - This includes ward and work parties, wedding receptions and missionary open houses; the money you spend to buy the ingredients for the world-famous triple chocolate cake you bring doesn’t count.
Never Pay Full Price for Anything – See my posts on Black Friday escapades for more information on this.
Never, Ever Press the Red Button - Usually, if you are faced with a red button somewhere, don’t press it – it usually means trouble. For example, the red button launches the missiles. Do yourself a favor and don’t press it.
Any Problem You Face Can Be Solved With Bungee Cords and Duct Tape - Bungee cord and duct tape technology has saved many marriages and ward parties. I’m not just talking about problems with plumbing or keeping groceries from bouncing around the trunk; I know of relationship and family issues that have been solved with creative applications of these two substances.