Sunday, September 20, 2009

I See.. a TEN News Flash: Congress Provides Renewable, Sustainable Energy Source

TEN (Third Eye News) Washington DC: Energy experts, working together with scientists and long-winded politicians, believe they have discovered a renewable, sustainable energy source: hot air emanating from congressional chambers. Dr. Harold Armpitz, a methane gas expert from the Waste High Intensity National Energy Resource Service (WHINERS) working off of a hot tip provided by an anonymous conservative blogger, attached sensitive solid-state methane gas detection and measurement equipment to the ceiling of congressional chambers, and was shocked at the results. “I had heard that there was a lot of crap going on in Congress,” Dr. Armpitz noted, “but I was completely unprepared for what I discovered.” According to his calculations, when Congress is in session and bitterly discussing a controversial issue, the hot air (“waste air”) resulting from one day of hearings can theoretically generate enough electricity to power the entire Eastern Seaboard for over a week.

Energy systems analysts from WHINERS revealed that the next challenge would be to build an energy infrastructure sturdy enough to hold, store, and ship the enormous amounts of unnatural gas that could be generated by an eternal stream of superheated air produced via congressional bickering. They envisioned an ingenious completely self-sufficient process, where contentious hearings between Democrats and Republicans on creation of a nationwide waste gas distribution system itself would generate enough unnatural gas to pay for the new energy infrastructure, if the gas was sold to OPEC, Brazil, and Vcnezuela at today's prices.

Congressional leaders seemed encouraged by this new discovery. In a surreal display of ironic unity, Democratic Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, Democratic House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, House Minority Leader Republican John Boehner, and Senate Minority Leader Republican Mitch McConnell, held hands on the steps of the Capitol building earlier today and pledged strong support for this new source of cheap, plentiful energy. “I am willing to put aside all my personal desires to cooperate with my Republican friends in Congress and fiercely disagree with them on every issue if that is what it takes to supply my constituency with affordable energy,” proclaimed Senator Reid. “I too, like a majority of the American public, am prepared to profess deep-seated hatred for Nancy Pelosi in order to alleviate the nation's critical energy shortage,” added Representative Boehner.

In a related development, there were unconfirmed rumors that the LDS church was researching the use of this promising new technology to provide power for a string of new chapels in the remote Siberian Yamalo-Nenets Autonomous Okrug North Mission. According to preliminary figures, short ward councils discussing creative, monetized approaches to reactivating less-active members and held only once a month could generate enough waste air to keep a small chapel heated and lit for 30 days.

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