My Mormon Third Eye: I See.. a TEN News Flash: Congress Provides Renewable, Sustainable Energy Source

Sunday, September 20, 2009

I See.. a TEN News Flash: Congress Provides Renewable, Sustainable Energy Source

TEN (Third Eye News) Washington DC: Energy experts, working together with scientists and long-winded politicians, believe they have discovered a renewable, sustainable energy source: hot air emanating from congressional chambers. Dr. Harold Armpitz, a methane gas expert from the Waste High Intensity National Energy Resource Service (WHINERS) working off of a hot tip provided by an anonymous conservative blogger, attached sensitive solid-state methane gas detection and measurement equipment to the ceiling of congressional chambers, and was shocked at the results. “I had heard that there was a lot of crap going on in Congress,” Dr. Armpitz noted, “but I was completely unprepared for what I discovered.”

According to his calculations, when Congress is in session and bitterly discussing a controversial issue, the hot air (“waste air”) resulting from one day of hearings can theoretically generate enough electricity to power the entire Eastern Seaboard for over a week.

Energy systems analysts from WHINERS revealed that the next challenge would be to build an energy infrastructure sturdy enough to hold, store, and ship the enormous amounts of unnatural gas that could be generated by an eternal stream of superheated air produced via congressional bickering. They envisioned an ingenious completely self-sufficient process, where contentious hearings between Democrats and Republicans on creation of a nationwide waste gas distribution system itself would generate enough unnatural gas to pay for the new energy infrastructure, if the gas was sold to OPEC, Brazil, and Vcnezuela at today's prices.

Congressional leaders seemed encouraged by this new discovery. In a surreal display of ironic unity, Democratic Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, Democratic House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, House Minority Leader Republican John Boehner, and Senate Minority Leader Republican Mitch McConnell, held hands on the steps of the Capitol building earlier today and pledged strong support for this new source of cheap, plentiful energy. “I am willing to put aside all my personal desires to cooperate with my Republican friends in Congress and fiercely disagree with them on every issue if that is what it takes to supply my constituency with affordable energy,” proclaimed Senator Reid. “I too, like a majority of the American public, am prepared to profess deep-seated hatred for Nancy Pelosi in order to alleviate the nation's critical energy shortage,” added Representative Boehner.

In a related development, there were unconfirmed rumors that the LDS church was researching the use of this promising new technology to provide power for a string of new chapels in the remote Siberian Yamalo-Nenets Autonomous Okrug North Mission. According to preliminary figures, short ward councils discussing creative, monetized approaches to reactivating less-active members and held only once a month could generate enough waste air to keep a small chapel heated and lit for 30 days.

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The Mormon Third Eye Quote of the Week

"As men of the priesthood, we have an essential role to play in society, at home, and in the Church. But we must be men that women can trust, that children can trust, and that God can trust. In the Church and kingdom of God in these latter days, we cannot afford to have boys and men who are drifting. We cannot afford young men who lack self-discipline and live only to be entertained. We cannot afford young adult men who are going nowhere in life, who are not serious about forming families and making a real contribution in this world. We cannot afford husbands and fathers who fail to provide spiritual leadership in the home."

Elder D. Todd Christofferson
Priesthood Session Conference, October 2012

Why My Mormon Third Eye?

When I politely excused myself in the middle of dinner to make a bathroom stop, how did Mom know that I had uneaten peas in my pocket to flush down the toilet? When I came home late from a youth dance and slid quietly into bed to avoid waking parental units, how did Dad know, without looking at the car, that I smashed in the front bumper? When I watch my daughter play a video game, how do I know that she's not ready for her Geometry final?

Its the Third Eye. The notorious eye in the back of the head, the extra view of life that God blesses parents striving to do the right thing so they can see more of life than the children they chase after.

Our third eye also permits us to see things and feel emotions that are too refined, too far on the edge of our standard two-eyed peripheral vision to enjoy in its fullness. I've learned that I have a Mormon Third Eye; that is, as a life-long, fully-dedicated member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have unique perspective on how the doctrines of the gospel and the demands of my faith in them intersect every other part of my mortal existence to create the entertaining, self-deprecating kaleidoscope of my life.

So... for those of you bold and bored enough to read this far, every so often I'll be sharing here what my Mormon third eye sees. Third eyes are relatively huge; they see the humorous, the entertaining, the embarrassing, the beautiful, the inspirational, and even the moral and political; however, they tend to ignore the evil, depressing and destructive: there is enough of that in world already!

The Four Secrets to Successful Living

Always Go Where There is Free Food - This includes ward and work parties, wedding receptions and missionary open houses; the money you spend to buy the ingredients for the world-famous triple chocolate cake you bring doesn’t count.
Never Pay Full Price for Anything – See my posts on Black Friday escapades for more information on this.
Never, Ever Press the Red Button - Usually, if you are faced with a red button somewhere, don’t press it – it usually means trouble. For example, the red button launches the missiles. Do yourself a favor and don’t press it.
Any Problem You Face Can Be Solved With Bungee Cords and Duct Tape - Bungee cord and duct tape technology has saved many marriages and ward parties. I’m not just talking about problems with plumbing or keeping groceries from bouncing around the trunk; I know of relationship and family issues that have been solved with creative applications of these two substances.