Saturday, April 19, 2008

I See... The Dead Elvis

There are soo many Elvis Presley impersonators; the flying Elvises, the Night of 100 Elvises, etc. He is probably the most mimicked man in modern history. There is also some lunacy circulating the Internet that he is still alive; this is merely the fictional fodder of fanatics. Even most of the impersonators will purport that he is still alive, but only “in my heart.”

The problem with the massive mounds of Elvis impersonators is that they give the chosen few who possess the rare gift of channeling Elvis a bad name.

Yes... I am an Elvis “channeler;” I “channel” Elvis.

Elvis channelers are a totally different breed than impersonators. We operate at a much higher level. We know he is dead, because we couldn’t channel him if he wasn’t. Impersonators, mostly for the masses at the more urbane level, tend to exaggerate some of his more memorable performance qualities, such as gyrating hips and a greasy, wavy mop of jet black hair on top, in the name of entertainment. Some of them may even sound somewhat like him. They want you to know they are impersonators, not the real Elvis.

Elvis channelers, however, don’t worry about looking or acting like him; when they are tapping into the spirit of a dead, wandering Elvis, they know that they ARE him.

I have irrefutable, scientific proof that I am an Elvis channeler. We have a karaoke machine in our basement with a wonderful collection of Elvis hits. The machine employs high-tech wizardry originally designed for the space shuttle to grade the quality of every song performance, using a mysteriously complex algorithm that determines how accurately a given vocal performance matches the original. When I, mild-mannered Richard, possessing no known superhero talents, dares to honor the king of rock and roll by selecting and singing his tumes, my score is always... %100!

It is important to comprehend what %100 means. It means completely perfect all the time. Hence, according to a computer program that has a capability to convey nothing but objective measurements, I do not just sound like Elvis; I sound EXACTLY like Elvis. It finds no difference between my voice and his. It means that when you close your eyes, you hear Elvis, not me. During those brief moments of ecstasy, when I am crooning about the disappointment of having my blue suede shoes damaged, the heartbreak of a gun-toting teenager in the ghetto, or the excitement of rocking the crowd at a jailhouse, my vocal chords become a channel foe the king of rock’n roll to briefly rise from the ashes of history and once again thrill his adoring masses.

I don’t where or how I acquired this gift; I have never been kidnapped by aliens, exposed to pulsating, glowing green masses of high-energy materials stored in a top secret government lab, or bitten by a radioactive spider, but I do know that I have it. So... don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true. Elvis is not alive, but you can still enjoy his electrifying presence in our basement. I will not offend you by impersonating him- I will channel him..

1 comment:

  1. Don't you work for the NSA? Maybe you have been exposed to something and you just don't remember!