Friday, February 22, 2008

I See… Unmasking the Nick-Tim Conspiracy

Elvis lives. The guy on the grassy knoll that shot JFK was a Mafia hit man. The Taits actually do have a money tree growing in their backyard. Conspiracies have been tantalizing the intellect and common sense of mankind for several millennia, perhaps as early as Old Testament times, when ingenious Babelites conspired together to reach God via a tower.

There is a pretty reliable three-step formula to unmasking conspiracies. First, put forth a wild claim that could only be true in an alternate universe (two of the greatest presidents of the 20th Century, President Hinckley and President Reagan, are in reality bitter, eternal enemies.) Second, connect two unrelated facts, facts that should never coexist in the same analytical framework, and point out distant similarities (President Reagan’s unsuccessful assassin was a “Hinckley,” and President Hinckley is a “Hinckley.” Hmm… coincidence?!?!) Third, in the wake of overwhelming contrary evidence, draw an outrageous conclusion based on these distant similarities (ignoring the overwhelming evidence that 1) both Presidents Reagan and Hinckley held remarkably similar moral convictions, looked up to each other, and that 2) President Hinckley was an inspired, chosen vessel of the Lord while the assassin Hinckley was a mentally disturbed soul, the undeniable fact that they hold the same last name is clear evidence to any insane, irrational and just plain stupid individual that they both shared a hatred for Reagan).

The Internet is the new millennium’s luscious seedbed for culturing new conspiracies. Now it’s my turn to add to the accumulated wealth of urban internet myths. I’m confident that the conspiracy I am about to unmask is so provocative, so mind-blowing, so unbelievable, that it will multiply like a hungry amoeba throughout this great internet land of ours at light speed and become a staple of common conversation for at least a couple of hours until an even more entertaining connection is exposed. I call it the “Nick-Tim Conspiracy.”

Take a look at the two pictures below. The boy on the left is one of my favorite little friends, Nicholas. The boy on the right is another favorite friend of mine, Timmy Turner, star of the witty, humorous, and wildly successful Nickelodeon show “Fairy Odd Parents.” I've spent quality time with both of them. Look deep into the smiles and eyes of both individuals. What do you see?

Doesn’t it seem odd to you that they bear an uncommonly similar mischievous aura?

Doesn’t it seem strange that both Nicholas and the network hosting Timmy Turner’s show, Nickelodeon, have the same nickname, “Nick”?

Furthermore, I have never seen Nicholas and Timmy in the same room at the same time!!

The only logical conclusion that can be drawn from this set of unrelated, but true facts, is that my little friend Nicholas is not who he says he is… Nicholas and Timmy are… in fact… THE SAME PERSON!!!

On the surface, there are so many reliable reasons for this not to be true. The most damning piece of evidence my loving wife tenderly points out is that while Nicholas is a live, breathing boy, Timmy is just a cartoon character. Could that be the reason I’ve never seen them at the same place at the same time? Sure, that’s one possible explanation.

Deon suspiciously wonders why a grown adult with national security responsibilities would spend so much time enjoying a seemingly immature cartoon series. Then she encourages me to get a life in the real world. However, let it be known that I am not afraid of recognizing and nurturing my inner child. I can confidently go to syrupy Disney movies unaccompanied by children as “cover.” I’m not adverse to admitting that Nicholas and Timmy operate in two different worlds, reality and fantasy, but I’m not going to let that simple truth get in the way of propagating my conspiracy.

So, take a look at both pictures again. Put common sense aside. Search your heart. Feel the Force. You know, deep down in your heart, that I’m right.


  1. Nick is enough of a handful all by himself -- heaven help us if he is aided in his mischief by magical Fairy Godparents. Maybe that explains part of it -- you might be on to something.

  2. So Funny! I think you're right.

  3. Its comforting to know that there are more believers out there!